


TransFigured [+podfic]

by picascribit



Series: TransVerse [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Trans, Angst with a Happy Ending, Birthday, Body Dysphoria, Bottom Sirius, Bullying, Christmas, Explicit Consent, Falling In Love, First Time, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Frottage, Getting Together, Harassment, Homophobia, Internalized Transphobia, M/M, Marauders, Marauders' Era, Masturbation, Menstruation, Mutual Masturbation, Oral Sex, POV Trans Character, Peter ships Wolfstar harder than anyone, Podfic, Podfic Length: 2.5-3 Hours, Polyjuice Potion, Public Nudity, Romance, Self-Harm, Sexual Experimentation, Sirius Is A Good Boyfriend, Skinny Dipping, Snape Is A Transphobic Asshole, Suicide Attempt, Top Remus, Trans Male Character, Trans Remus Lupin, Transphobia, good parents, less angsty and more fluffy after chapter 3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-08
Updated: 2013-11-20
Packaged: 2017-12-23 15:36:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 10
Words: 25,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/928195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/picascribit/pseuds/picascribit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“We thought you might be a werewolf," said Sirius.<br/>"What?" Remus almost laughed at the absurdity.<br/>"Last year. James and I thought — but the dates didn’t quite match up. With the full moons, I mean."<br/>"Well, I’m not."<br/>"I know. All I meant was, we thought you might be, and we still wanted to be friends. Whatever you’re not telling us — how much worse can it be?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Author is AFAB nonbinary. It should go without saying that Remus's experiences are uniquely his own, and there is no single right way to be trans or to feel about being trans.
> 
>  **WARNING:** There is a suicide attempt in Ch. 3, but the story becomes lighter and fluffier thereafter. Snape appears as a very nasty, transphobic, homophobic character who throws around a lot of slurs (Ch. 2, 3, 5, 10), as well as magically attacking and traumatising Remus (Ch. 3). Remus experiences some internalised transphobia, as well as moderate to strong body dysphoria. This is not a "born this way" trans story; there's a magical twist for the magical world.
> 
> Edited September 2014.
> 
>  **Podfic**  
>  **Duration:** 2 hr 53 min  
>  **Size:** 158 MB  
>  **Download:** [zip file of mp3s @ Mediafire](http://www.mediafire.com/download/z3la35f7ezr7pue/TransFigured.zip)  
> 

He could not really remember what it had been like, before. He had been too young. Sometimes he wished he could recall what it felt like to be whole -- to be himself -- but more and more as he grew older, he felt that knowing what he had lost would be too much to bear. Mostly, Remus Lupin just felt alone. 

Making friends was difficult. His unusual circumstances made him awkward and self-conscious around other children. The secret locked inside him was too big and too complicated for him to explain in a way that they would understand. His parents loved him, and they did what they could to ease his path, but they did not always seem to know what to do with him, either. They researched spells and bought expensive potions that left Remus feeling sick and weak for days, but they could find no way to reverse what had been done to him. 

When he turned eleven, a flurry of owls flew back and forth between the Lupin residence and Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, culminating in a long meeting between Remus's parents and Headmaster Albus Dumbledore. 

"Will it be all right, though," asked his anxious father, "putting him in a dormitory with other boys?" 

"I don't see why not," the headmaster smiled. "We take great care at Hogwarts to keep our students' personal and family matters private. There is no need for his roommates to know anything Remus does not wish to share with them." 

"But if someone should find out -- " said his mother. 

"If Remus should ever feel the slightest concern for his safety or his privacy, he may come to me directly, or speak to the school matron, or his Head of House," Dumbledore assured her. "I have complete confidence in the discretion of my staff and their ability to deal with trouble, should the need arise." 

In the end, the headmaster managed to convince them that sending Remus to Hogwarts was in everyone's best interests, and that the care he would receive there would be every bit as good as that which his parents provided him at home. 

Remus spent his first weeks at school sick with terror. Every time he changed his clothes or took a shower, he expected his roommates to come bursting in and discover his secret. The first spell he learned on his own was a Locking charm, and only when he was sure he had mastered it was he able to relax a little. 

For the most part, his three roommates ignored him, and he avoided them. He spent his waking hours studying in the library, or reading, or walking alone in the school grounds. In the evenings, Remus went to bed early, sleeping -- or pretending to -- with his bed curtains drawn. He spoke to the others only when necessary, and tried not to draw attention to himself in lessons. His roommates thought he was boring. He did not mind, though; being thought boring was better than being thought a freak. 

The most challenging part of his secret to keep were his monthly appointments with Madam Pomfrey, the school matron. It was not always possible to schedule them for weekends, and he was often left feeling weak and sick for hours afterwards, missing classes and sneaking back into the dormitory when his roommates were at meals, or after they had gone to sleep. When they inevitably asked where he disappeared to every month, he made his excuses as vague as possible. 

"I was ill." 

The lie was not difficult for his roommates to accept. Remus was small for a boy of his age, and between his anxiety and the potions, he often looked tired and unwell. His roommates would probably now consider him sickly and a weakling, as well as boring, but that was still better than the alternative. 

But as the months passed, Remus gradually came to accept his roommates, and they him. Perhaps it began the first time he laughed at one of James's jokes, or the first time Peter asked him for help with Defence Against the Dark Arts, or when he showed Sirius the proper way to cast the Jelly-Legs jinx. They began to include him in their playful banter, and then to invite him along on their pranks and adventures. 

For a while, Remus was happier than he could ever remember being. He had friends, and his secret seemed safe. Sometimes his conscience twinged a little, especially when the others began opening up to him, sharing tales of their own struggles, but all of their troubles were relatively minor. Apart from the tears they sometimes fought to hide, they had nothing to feel ashamed of. No dreadful secrets that might jeopardise their friendship or their prospects for the future. 

* * *

Things changed during the winter of Remus's second year at Hogwarts. His monthly visits to the hospital wing had been getting worse for some time. Madam Pomfrey raised the dosage of his potions, but it was not enough to counteract the changes in his growing body, and only made him sicker than ever. Following his January appointment, he awoke in his infirmary bed to find blood on the sheets. The matron helped him clean up and brewed him a calming tea, but he was still shaking when he returned to the dormitory that evening. He showered and changed quickly, and had his bed curtains closed by the time his roommates returned from supper. 

Remus lay curled in a miserable ball beneath the covers, but sleep would not come. The dormitory beyond his curtains grew dark and quiet and Remus was exhausted, but all he felt was sick horror at the way his body continually betrayed him. When he could hold them back no longer, the tears came. He tried to stay quiet, but could not prevent a few deep, shuddering sobs from escaping. He held his breath, willing himself into silence, and heard a floorboard creak. One of his roommates was out of bed. He shut his eyes tightly as his bed curtains rustled and parted. 

"Remus? Are you OK?" 

Sirius was easily the nosiest of his roommates. If Remus held still and stayed silent, maybe Sirius would think he was asleep and go back to bed. But he could not hold his breath forever, and the sobs were not finished with him yet. The air escaped from his lungs in a ragged gasp, and the mattress sank under his friend's weight. 

"Remus, are you ill? D'you need to see the matron?" 

"No." His voice broke around the word. "Go back to bed, Sirius. I'm fine." 

"No, you're not. You're shivering." The mattress shifted as his friend settled onto the bed beside him. 

Remus hastily squirmed away. "What are you doing?" 

"I'm getting comfortable," said Sirius. "I'm not leaving until you tell me what's wrong." 

"I told you, I'm fine." 

"That's bollocks and you know it, mate. If you're fine, why d'you have to go see the matron all the time?" 

"It's nothing. I'm just ill, all right?" 

"With what?" 

"With none of your bloody business, Black." 

Remus's heart pounded. Sirius was not just nosy; he was pushy, too. He would not leave until he had an answer that satisfied him, and there was none that Remus could give. 

"D'you want me to put Veritaserum in your pumpkin juice?" 

"You wouldn't." 

"No, I wouldn't," Sirius relented. "Not yours, anyway. Snape, maybe. That might be funny. But I wouldn't do it to a friend." 

"Well -- good." 

Sirius was quiet for a moment. Then he said, "We thought you might be a werewolf." 

"What?" Remus almost laughed at the absurdity. 

"Last year. James and I thought -- but the dates didn't quite match up. With the full moons, I mean." 

"Well, I'm not." 

"I know. All I meant was, we thought you might be, and we still wanted to be friends. Whatever you're not telling us -- how much worse can it be?" 

That startled Remus. His roommates had thought he might be a Dark creature -- a monster -- and they had never let on, or treated him badly because of it. 

"You really would have been friends with a werewolf?" 

Sirius nodded. "If you tell me what's really the matter, I swear I won't tell anyone. Not even James. And I'll tell you something I've never told anyone else. Something big." 

"What?" Remus wavered. 

"Not unless you promise to tell me." 

Remus knew he had little choice in the matter. Sirius was like a dog with a bone when it came to mysteries and secrets; he would not let go until he had an answer. 

"All right," Remus reluctantly agreed. "I'll tell you. But you have to tell yours first." 

Sirius took a deep breath, tensing. "I think -- I mean, I _know_ I'm -- I like blokes. Not girls." 

"Oh." Remus had not known what to expect, but that was not it. 

"D'you hate me, now I'm a shirt-lifter?" Sirius's tone aimed for jocularity, but missed. He was worried. 

"No," Remus assured him. "No, it's fine." 

"Don't tell anyone, all right?" 

"I won't." 

"So -- what's yours, then?" 

Remus found that some of his fear had evaporated with his friend's confession. Still, it was no easy thing to tell. He could not just blurt it out like Sirius had; he had to tell the story from the beginning to make his friend understand. 

"D'you know who Hector Westcote is?" 

Sirius frowned, uncomprehending. "My father knows him. He almost got Minister for Magic one time, didn't he? But he didn't because there were rumours he had dodgy connections. What's he got to do with anything?" 

"He's my grandfather," said Remus. 

Hector Westcote had made his fortune buying and selling rare and ancient spell books. By the time he reached middle age, he was one of the wealthiest men in Wizarding Britain. When his only child, Sylvia, had eloped with a Muggleborn wizard named Marcellus Lupin, Hector had disinherited her, changing his will to leave all his money to a then-obscure organisation that called themselves the Death Eaters. 

"But he couldn't disinherit me," Remus explained. "Wizarding law says that the oldest male descendent is automatically the heir, so long as he's a wizard and hasn't disgraced the family name." 

The Death Eaters, however, had not wanted to lose the Westcote fortune to a half-blood. 

"They could have killed me, I guess," said Remus, "but there would have been an investigation, and if they'd been found out, they would have lost the money anyway. So they hexed me instead." 

"What did they do to you?" Sirius asked. 

"Only the oldest boy could inherit, so --" Remus closed his eyes tight, hands bunched in the blankets, " -- they tried to change me into a girl." 

"They _what_?!" Sirius sat bolt upright. 

" _Shhh!_ " hissed Remus. "D'you want to wake the others?" 

"Sorry," Sirius whispered. "So what happened then?" 

Remus shrugged uncomfortably. "My parents didn't know what to do, except keep it a secret and try to find a cure. Whoever hexed me couldn't say anything either -- not without saying how they knew about it." 

"Did they ever find a cure?" 

"No." The word was bitter on his tongue. 

"So. You're a girl?" 

"I'm -- _no_." Remus scrubbed his hands over his face, feeling suddenly weary. "You wouldn't understand." 

A hand touched his shoulder. "I'm trying, Remus," Sirius said softly. "Please?" 

Remus looked at his friend, though he was little more than an outline in the darkness. "They changed my body. They didn't change _me_. I have to take a bunch of potions every month to stop my body from changing even more. That's why I go to the matron. The potions are awful and they don't work very well, but there's nothing else I can do. I'm still a bloke here -- " he pressed a hand to his heart, " -- and here," he touched his temple. "I'm just different there," he finished, waving a hand vaguely between his legs. "Can you understand that?" 

Sirius nodded slowly. "I think so." 

"And you won't tell anyone?" 

"I promised, didn't I?" 

"I won't tell anyone your secret, either," Remus assured him. 

Sirius snorted. "Mine doesn't seem like much now, does it?" 

A reluctant smile tugged at the corner of Remus's mouth. "Not really. But I still won't tell." 

"Is it all right if I stay?" Sirius asked. "My bed's probably gone all cold while I've been over here being such a brilliantly understanding friend." 

Remus's smile got the better of him. "You can stay."


	2. Chapter 2

After learning Remus's secret, Sirius became fiercely protective of him. Remus was grateful for Sirius's unwavering friendship, but it did not always make things easier. Part of him worried that, for all his friend's good intentions, Sirius now thought of him as a girl in need of masculine protection. Nor was Sirius as good at hiding his feelings as Remus was. Towards the end of their third year, when James teased Remus, calling him a girl for liking reading more than Quidditch, Sirius broke his nose. 

A tense period followed. Remus was upset with Sirius for his lack of self-control, and fearful that his friend might out him by accident, Sirius was angry with James for his ignorant remarks, James was annoyed at Sirius for his seemingly disproportionate violent reaction, and Peter was anxious about the discord between his friends. 

Remus knew he should not feel guilty. What had happened was entirely Sirius's fault. But he hated seeing James and Sirius at odds with one another because of him, and the last thing he wanted was to make Sirius choose between James and himself. Remus's self-doubt whispered to him that he could not win such a competition, and even if he could, the thought of James and Sirius's fraternal bond crumbling kept Remus awake at night, anxiety twisting in his belly. 

He would have to tell them, and take the consequences. There was no other way. 

Remus felt sick. He was no fool; he knew how normal boys often treated people who were different. Even Sirius had not wanted to tell the others about being queer. Everything had been so good between the four of them until now, but his secret was tearing them apart. Telling the truth might salvage at least part of their friendship. Or not. If it did not, Remus decided that he would go home to his parents. Perhaps taking himself out of the equation would make it easier for the others to reconcile. If Remus made the decision to walk away for himself, then maybe it would not feel quite so much like rejection. 

The thought of losing the best friends he had ever known brought a fierce, empty ache to Remus's chest. _I'll still have Sirius,_ he told himself. _Probably._ Could he count on Sirius's friendship, though, if the others turned against him? There was no way to be sure. 

Sirius noticed him picking at his food the next morning and dragged him outside after breakfast for a walk around the lake. 

"What's wrong with you, mate? You look bloody awful." 

"I couldn't sleep last night," Remus confessed. "I -- I'm going to tell them. James and Pete." 

Sirius stopped in his tracks. "What? Why?" 

"Because I can't stand it anymore," said Remus dully. "Everyone's annoyed and nobody's talking to anyone else. If we can't fix it -- " 

"No," said Sirius. "You shouldn't have to. It wasn't your fault. I'll tell James I'm sorry." 

Remus gave him a doubtful look. "You think that'll work? No explanation needed?" 

"Maybe." Sirius shrugged. 

"I don't think so," said Remus. "Telling the truth might do it, though. If they don't like it, I'll go." 

Sirius looked confused. "Go where?" 

"Home. Then you can patch things up with them. You'll all be friends again, once I'm out of the way." 

Sirius gaped at him. "You'd leave? Just like that? I thought we were friends." 

"We are." Remus swallowed the lump of helplessness in his throat. "But if you can only be friends with them or with me, you should pick them. It will be easier for you." 

"Will it be easier for you?" asked Sirius angrily. 

"It doesn't matter." 

Sirius turned away and glared out over the lake, hands in his pockets, refusing to say another word. Finally, Remus gave up and went back into the castle, feeling utterly wretched. 

There was no time to tell anyone anything that morning, and again at lunch, Remus found himself too nervous to eat. If he did not get it over with soon, he wondered whether he would starve to death first, or lose his mind from lack of sleep. 

They had a free hour after lunch. Remus trudged up to Gryffindor tower behind his friends, a knot in his belly. When they reached their dormitory, Peter hid behind a comic book, and James took out his Charms text. None of them had said a word to the others since Remus's talk with Sirius beside the lake that morning. 

_Now or never,_ thought Remus, heart pounding. He crossed the room to stand over James's bed. "Er -- " 

James glanced up, black hair awry, a frown on his dark face. "What?" 

"I -- " 

Sirius sat up. "James, mate, I'm sorry," he said, shooting Remus a quelling look. "About your nose. I overreacted." 

Peter peeked nervously over the top of his comic as James looked back and forth between Sirius and Remus, frown deepening. 

"Sorry until the next time you 'overreact', you mean?" he turned his eyes pointedly back to his textbook. "You're a nutter, Black. Don't talk to me." 

"He only did it because of me," Remus said quietly. He looked down at his hands, twisted together, feeling the weight of three intense gazes on him. 

"Remus, don't," Sirius pleaded. "It was my fault." 

"It doesn't matter," Remus said for the second time that day. And then he told them all of it. 

As soon as he began to speak, Sirius was beside him, a hand gripping his shoulder, lending Remus the courage and support he needed to say the words. When he finished, silence settled over the room. Daring to glance up, Remus saw the shock on this roommates' faces, questions forming behind their eyes. 

"Don't you look at him like that," warned Sirius, before either of their friends could speak. "If you give him any trouble, I swear I'll break more than just your nose next time." 

"D'you believe him, then?" demanded James. 

"Why would anyone lie about a thing like that?" Sirius snapped. 

"You two could be having a laugh." 

"I'll have a laugh at your face, Potter," growled Sirius, "after I -- " 

"It's not a joke," said Remus quietly. "Please don't tell anyone." 

Shrugging off Sirius's grip, he went back to his bed, pulling the curtains shut around him. He lay staring up at the canopy, listening to the low, muffled voices of his roommates, and trying unsuccessfully to make his belly muscles unclench. When the time came for their afternoon lesson, Remus did not move, and the others did not look in on him. He closed his eyes and let out a breath as the door clicked shut behind them. He fell asleep wondering whether they would still be his friends when they came back. 

* * *

It was dark when he woke. There was a rustling sound, and his bed curtains parted. Instinctively, Remus snatched the wand from his nightstand. 

" _Lumos_." 

"It's only me," whispered Sirius, sitting down on the bed. 

Remus lowered his wand. "What d'you want?" 

"You missed supper. I thought you might be hungry." He unfolded a napkin to reveal a bread roll, a slightly squashed meat pie, and a chocolate pastry. 

Remus sat up, but did not reach for the food. "How are the others?" 

Sirius hesitated. "James -- he's not quite OK with things. Yet," he admitted. "But I think he will be. I don't think he'll tell anyone, at least, and I told him I would thump him if he asked you any stupid questions or tried to make you -- prove anything." 

"Thanks," Remus whispered. "You didn't have to do that." 

Sirius frowned. "Of course I did. We're friends, aren't we?" 

"Yeah, we are," said Remus. "What about Pete?" 

"Turns out he's got an uncle who --" Sirius paused, groping for the right words. "They thought he was a girl when he was born. You know the one he named his Puffskein after? So I think he'll be all right." 

"Oh," said Remus, surprised. "I didn't know." 

"Yeah." Sirius grinned. "So maybe you're not as weird as you thought. Disappointed?" 

Some of the tension that had been bottled up inside Remus melted away, and he realised how hungry he was. He smiled, reaching for the food. 

"Thanks, Sirius." 

* * *

James was neither as understanding nor as immediately accepting of the truth as Sirius had been. Third year ended and fourth year began before he finally seemed to accept Remus. Even after that, there were occasional awkward moments, but he kept Remus's secret, and for that, Remus was grateful. 

"We could help you find a spell to change you back," Peter offered. "I could ask Uncle Constantine." 

"Thanks, but I don't think there is one," said Remus. 

James frowned. "If there was one to change you in the first place, it stands to reason there must be a way to change you back." 

Remus shook his head. "My parents have been looking for years, and Madam Pomfrey and Dumbledore, too, since I started school. If they haven't found an answer by now, either there isn't one, or it's some Dark spell that would need Dark magic to reverse it. Maybe even Blood magic." 

His friends shivered. They had learned a little about Blood magic in Defence Against the Dark Arts. Remus pushed away the thought of a small, unmarked grave and a set of Muggle parents who would never know what had happened to their child. Living with what had been done to him was hard enough without the guilt of imagining how it might have been accomplished. 

"Dumbledore says there are Muggle medical treatments," he offered, hoping to distract them. 

Sirius looked sceptical. "If magic can't help, then what can Muggles do?" 

Remus shrugged. "That's what my parents think, too. Mum doesn't trust Muggle doctors at all. But -- I don't know. Maybe I could talk to one, once I'm of age." 

In the meantime, Remus continued his monthly Potions therapy with Madam Pomfrey. She was constantly adjusting the dosage to find the right balance as he grew older, but the potions always made him ill, and although they kept his breasts small and his hips relatively narrow, they could not halt the changes in his body altogether. While his friends began to shave, his cheeks remained smooth, his face rounded and androgynous, and he continued to ache and bleed every month. On one visit, Madam Pomfrey took him into her office for a mortifying discussion on the subject of birth control, which was not something Remus had ever thought about. She gave him the recipe for a contraceptive potion, "just in case", which he hid in the bottom of his trunk, hoping that his friends would never find it. 

His friendships, too, became strained as the four of them grew older. It was no one's fault, exactly, but his friends were boys -- boys with naturally masculine bodies and the confidence which came from having their perception of themselves match what they saw in the mirror. Peter had some early anxiety regarding his height and weight, but that mostly vanished after he started dating a pretty Slytherin girl. Neither James nor Sirius had the slightest self-consciousness about their bodies, and sometimes they came out of the showers and lounged around the dormitory in their pants, or in nothing at all. 

Remus envied them. He tried not to look, for fear of giving the wrong impression, but he could not help admiring especially Sirius's masculine grace and comfort with his body. He never considered that his feelings about his friend might stem from anything other than his uncomfortable relationship with his own body, until one day in fifth year when he rounded a corner to see Sirius kissing Dorian Gaveston. 

Remus froze. Of course Sirius had told him he was queer, but that had been years ago, and he had never mentioned it since, nor mentioned fancying anyone in particular. Remus had half forgotten about it. Quietly, he backed away around the corner, out of sight of the oblivious pair, mind reeling. 

For a moment, Remus did not understand why he felt like crying. Then realisation hit him like a punch in the gut. The longing he felt when he looked at his friend had nothing to do with envy. His desire to know what it would feel like to touch Sirius's body was the same desire that caused James to obsess over Lily Evans and Peter to agonise about Madeleine Yaxley. It was the same desire that made Sirius want to snog handsome boys in deserted corridors. Remus shook his head, denying everything, and ran. 

He made himself stop looking at Sirius after that. Anytime the other boy was not speaking directly to him, Remus did his best to keep his eyes averted, and he tried not to looked anywhere except at his friend's face. But now that he knew what his feelings meant, he could not seem to help himself. Several times a day, he caught himself staring, remembering what Sirius had looked like in Gaveston's arms, imagining how it would feel to hold him and kiss him like that. 

Underneath all of Remus's confused longing was the worry that his attraction to a boy meant that he was really a girl after all -- that he had been lying to everyone, including himself, and struggling against the inevitable. If Sirius ever found out that his freakish friend fancied him, he would surely be disgusted. He might never speak to Remus again. The best Remus could hope for was Sirius's pity, and he did not want that, either. 

His feelings would not stay hidden, however. His friends seemed oblivious, but it was not long before Severus Snape noticed the way Remus looked at Sirius. The Slytherin boy was no fool, and he was overjoyed to have something so scandalous to hold over one of his least-favourite classmates. 

"Looks like someone has a little crush," Snape leered, cornering Remus between the stacks in the library. 

"Oh?" said Remus, pretending disinterest as he stared resolutely at the spines of the books, but his flushed cheeks betrayed him. 

"Better give it up," Snape leaned in close to whisper in his ear. "People like Black can have anyone they want. Even if he were bent, he'd never look twice at the likes of you." 

Remus clenched his teeth and did not reply. Snape chuckled and walked away, robes billowing. When he had gone, Remus closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against the well-worn wood of the shelf, feeling desolate. 

Snape was more right than he knew. His words echoed exactly the small voice of self-doubt in the back of Remus's own mind. Maybe if Remus had been like other boys, he might have found the courage to confess his feelings to his friend, but Sirius would never want someone like him. No one would. Someday, his friends would find people who would love them and make them happy, but in his heart, Remus knew that he would always be alone and unwanted. 


	3. Chapter 3

That was not the last time Snape tormented Remus with his secret knowledge. 

Every few days, he found a moment for a cutting word, or a whispered threat to spread Remus's secret heartache all over the school. Someday he would do it, Remus was certain, and the anxiety he had felt before telling his friends the truth returned to gnaw at his guts anew. This time, however, there was nothing he could do about it. No one he could tell. 

If he had any hopes that Snape might grow bored with torturing him, or forget what he knew over the summer holidays, they vanished as soon as Remus returned to Hogwarts for his sixth year. 

Each day, Remus awoke wondering whether this would be the day that Snape finally decided to out him. Anxiety was a constant ache in his belly. He barely ate or slept. His marks suffered. His robes hung on him like a broom handle. His friends and Madam Pomfrey were worried, but Remus brushed off their concerns, saying it was just the potions affecting him. 

Meanwhile, Snape's poisonous whisperings went on and on, day in and day out, grinding Remus down and fraying his nerves. 

"What do you want?" Remus demanded one day under the noise of students moving between lessons. 

Snape gave him a nasty grin. "Nothing. I have what I want. Unlike some people I could mention." 

Remus turned away, teeth clenched, but the taunting voice followed him. 

"You think they'll still let you room with them once they find out, shirt-lifter? Or maybe they will. Maybe they'll put that girly mouth of yours to the only use it's good for." 

Something snapped inside Remus. With a yell, he whirled, fist connecting with the side of the surprised Slytherin's head. Snape went down with Remus on top of him. When he moved to draw his wand, Remus knocked it aside. 

It took all three of his friends to drag him off the other boy. Snape's nose was bloodied, and one of Remus's eyes was beginning to bruise and swell shut. Professor Slughorn, summoned by the commotion, gave them both a stern lecture against brawling like Muggles in the corridors, and assigned Remus a week's detention. That did not matter, though. All that mattered was the nasty grin Snape flashed him, and his parting words. 

"You're finished now, Lupin." 

"What was all that about?" asked Peter. 

"Dunno," Remus lied, not meeting his eyes. 

"Are you OK?" Sirius raised a hand to touch the tender bruise around Remus's eye, his own eyes filled with concern. Remus flinched away. 

"I'm not feeling very well," he said hastily. "I'll see you lads after class." 

Without a backwards glance, he hurried off in the direction of Gryffindor tower. His friends did not follow, much to his relief and disappointment. It might have been sweet to spend one more afternoon together, just the four of them, before Snape ruined everything, but he knew his friends would keep asking why he had hit the Slytherin, and he had no satisfactory answer. 

Remus lay on his bed, thinking as fast as his exhausted brain would allow. Perhaps there was some way to stop Snape from telling the others what he knew. Remus could make a bargain with him. But Remus had nothing Snape wanted. He imagined the Slytherin's eyes shining with cruel delight, and his friends' expressions of confusion, disbelief, shock, horror. Snape would want the satisfaction of telling them the news himself. Remus knew that much. 

He turned over, clutching his pillow in a hard hug and willing his tightly-clenched belly muscles to relax. 

It would only postpone the inevitable, but if he could keep his friends away from Snape, his secret would remain safe for a little while. And maybe -- maybe there was a small chance he could find the courage to tell Sirius the truth in the meantime. Or else he could sneak out of the castle by night and run away home. It was the coward's option, but between that and becoming a target of hatred and disgust for all of Hogwarts, it also sounded like a relief. 

The others returned from class full of concern and curiosity. 

"That eye looks bad," said Sirius, sitting down on Remus's bed. His hand moved as if to touch Remus's face again, but then he thought better of it and drew back. "D'you want us to go see if Pomfrey's got something for it?" 

"No, it's fine." 

"I have some of that Bruise Balm for Quidditch," volunteered James. 

Remus accepted the offer, gingerly dabbing the yellow cream around his swollen eye. 

"What did Snape say to you?" asked Peter, perched on Remus's trunk. 

Remus shook his head. "Nothing worse than usual. I just -- had a bad day." 

Sirius snorted in disbelief. "I've never seen you go after someone like that, Lupin. Are you going to tell us what happened, or do I have to go and beat it out of Snivellus myself?" 

"No!" Remus said too quickly. "No, just -- leave him be, all right? I overreacted. He -- he said I looked girly." 

"Oh." 

An uncomfortable silence descended upon the dormitory. Remus's cheeks burned. He hated admitting even that much, but the others knew it was a sensitive subject for him. Maybe now they would drop it. 

That hope lasted less than a minute. 

"That tosser needs to be taught a lesson," Sirius declared, getting to his feet. "Who's with me?" 

"I'm in," said James immediately as Peter perked up. Hexing Snape was among their favourite hobbies. 

"Don't," Remus pleaded. 

Sirius shot him a grin which, under normal circumstances, would have made Remus's heart flutter. "You don't have to do everything for yourself, you know, mate. That's what friends are for." 

"I'll just ignore him next time," said Remus desperately. "Let's -- let's play Exploding Snap or something." 

"I'd rather play Exploding _Snape_ ," quipped James, and the others laughed. 

They were halfway out the door when Remus jumped up to follow. He had to stop them -- had to talk them out of it somehow. If they actually found Snape, he was done for. But once James and Sirius had set their minds to something, it was almost impossible to change them, so Remus followed, sweaty palms clenched, heart hammering. 

"He'll be in the Potions classroom," said James. "I heard he's been tutoring people to make some extra dosh." 

Sirius nodded. "We'll wait and catch him on his way up to supper." 

"And do what?" demanded Remus. He had to force the words out around the tightness in his chest. 

"Nothing permanent," Sirius assured him. "Curl his hair. Hex him cross-eyed. Knot his shoelaces together. Something like that. Whatever it takes to make him leave you alone next time." 

_Alone._ Remus would be that. If Snape opened his mouth -- 

"The Laryngitis curse!" said Remus desperately. "Or -- or the Mouth-Sealing hex. Something to shut him up for a while." 

"Good idea," laughed James. 

Peter nodded, face flushed with excitement. "That would teach him to shoot his mouth off for sure!" 

They quieted as they approached the Potions classroom, ducking into a shadowy alcove to wait. Peter stood lookout while James tiptoed to the door to make certain of their quarry. 

"Can we just forget about this?" whispered Remus over the sound of his own pounding heart. 

He expected Sirius to ignore or dismiss his request, but the other boy turned to him, a soft look in his grey eyes. "He shouldn't talk to you like that, Remus. It's not right." 

Remus looked down. "He doesn't know." 

Sirius touched his arm lightly, making Remus raise his eyes. "Even so. I don't like him treating you -- " He broke off and shook his head, words failing. 

He was standing very close, looking straight into Remus's eyes, hand still on his arm. Remus could hardly breathe. For a moment, he forgot why they were there -- forgot everything except the boy in front of him. His eyes fixed on Sirius's mouth, so close. He could almost imagine -- 

Then James and Peter were back, jostling into the alcove with them, and everything else came rushing back in on Remus. 

"He's there," reported James. "It sounded like they were almost finished." 

The four Gryffindors waited in tense silence. Remus stole a glance at Sirius, worrying. If they decided at the last minute not to use one of the Silencing hexes he had suggested, or if they did not do it quickly enough, this might be the last companionable moment he would share with his friends. Anxiety constricted Remus's chest, making breathing difficult. 

There was a sound down the corridor, and an annoyed-looking second year exited the Potions classroom, fumbling her bag over her shoulder. 

"Wait until she's gone," breathed James. 

When the echo of the girl's footsteps had faded around the corner, James gave the signal for them to move. He went first, with Sirius close behind him. Remus trailed after, while Peter, who had been on the receiving end of many a hex from Snape, and preferred to keep as many obstacles between himself and the Slytherin as possible, brought up the rear. Remus held his breath as James eased the heavy door open. 

If Snape had been facing away, or if he had not already had his wand in his hand, things might have gone differently. His black eyes snapped up, and almost before the hex was out of James and Sirius's mouths, he shouted, " _Protego!_ " 

The hexes made a _whoosh_ ing sound as they bounced off the Shield charm. James, Sirius, and Snape eyed one another warily, wands poised, waiting to see who would make the next move. Remus clutched his own wand, edging closer to Sirius. 

Snape's shrewd eyes flicked between them. He knew from long experience that neither Remus nor Peter was likely to hex him. The corner of his mouth twitched in a mocking half-smile. 

"I wouldn't turn my back on Lupin if I were you, Black," he sneered. "One of these days, he won't be able to resist the temptation." 

"Shut it, Snape," said Remus, trying desperately to control the panic in his voice. 

"It's you I wouldn't want to turn my back on, Snivellus," Sirius declared. "At least I have friends who've got my back." 

Snape's mocking smile grew. "I doubt it's your back Lupin's interested in." 

Sirius's eyes widened as he took Snape's meaning. The others had not got there yet, but any minute now, they would. Sirius's eyes flicked away from Snape's wand to glance at Remus. Remus could read nothing but startlement in his expression, but realised too late that his own anguish showed clear on his face. He looked away quickly. 

"What -- ?" said James, bewildered. 

"If Remus wanted my arse," Sirius interrupted loudly, "he'd have mentioned it by now. We've been rooming together for over five years. If he was a bender, I'd know it." 

"Would you?" Snape leered. "Maybe you're used to your friends giving you cow eyes, Black, but from where I'm standing, it looks like he'd enjoy the view a lot more if I -- _Divestimenta!_ " 

Blood pounded in Remus's ears. He did not even hear the hex; only saw the tip of Snape's wand twitch. Instinctively, he threw himself sideways, shoving Sirius out of the path of the spell. It hit Remus full in the chest, and his clothes vanished. 

There was a moment of shocked silence as four pairs of eyes fixed on his naked body. Snape gave a startled laugh. With a yell of outrage, Sirius threw himself at the Slytherin, and they went down grappling. 

Remus stood frozen, unable to move or think. Then warm fabric settled over his shoulders. James was beside him, draping him in his own outer robes, saying his name, asking if he was all right. Remus clutched the borrowed garment around himself and fled. 

He did not stop running until he reached the relative safety of their dormitory bathroom. Falling to his knees, he scrambled for the toilet, retching up the little he had eaten that day. He clung to the porcelain bowl for long moments, shaking with reaction. 

His friends had seen the wrongness of his body. Would they ever be able to look at him again without thinking about it? Worse yet, Sirius now knew how Remus felt about him. Remus imagined the mixture of disgust and pity in his friend's beautiful eyes as he informed Remus that he was just "not my type". 

But worst of all, Snape knew the truth now, and he would tell everyone. There was nothing to stop him. Remus imagined everyone at Hogwarts staring at him, whispering behind their hands, calling him _freak_ and making him the butt of every joke. It was ten times worse than if they had only hated him for being queer. 

Would his friends stick by him when the whole school turned against him? Or would they join in the mockery? James had only just barely accepted him when doing so had cost him nothing. What would he do when his considerable popularity was at stake? Remus knew better than to expect anything of Peter. He was a coward. If the others did not stick by Remus, he would not, either. And Sirius -- Remus could not bear to think about him right now. 

He tried to think rationally about what he should do -- about what would happen next -- but his mind was in chaos. Weeks of exhaustion and anxiety had eaten away at his ability to reason. He felt like an animal caught in a trap, panicking as the jaws closed around him. They might force him to move into the girls' dormitory. Or Dumbledore might decide his continued presence at the school was too much of a distraction for the other students, and send him home in disgrace. 

Whatever happened, it was over. He was finished. Snape would tell, and then everyone would know. No one would let him be a proper wizard. The magical community was too small and too well-connected to leave any safe place for Remus to hide or start over. He would be shunned and cast out of Wizarding society, unable even to maintain the pretense of a normal life. 

It was all so unfair. All he wanted was to be left alone -- to be _normal_. Why should it matter what he had between his legs? But it did matter. It mattered to everyone. It even mattered to Remus himself, as much as he hated to admit it. Once everyone knew, it would make no difference what Remus wanted, or what illusion of masculinity he had constructed for himself. The world would never let him forget that he did not have the necessary parts to be a "real" boy. 

"I'm _real_ ," he whispered to no one. 

There were only two options left to him: he could knuckle under and be the girl-freak that the rest of the world considered him to be, hated, mocked, disrespected, rejected, or he could make it all stop right now, for good. 

The pounding of his heart slowed, and he felt a little steadier. Yes, he could make it stop. It could be over now, today. 

Shakily, Remus pulled himself to his feet and stared at the pale, bruised face in the mirror. He would not miss it. Most likely, no one else would, either. His parents would be disappointed that the Death Eaters would get his grandfather's money after all, but there was no help for that now, and they would probably be relieved to be free of his awkward and expensive problems. 

The razor blades that his friends used for shaving sat beside the sink. Remus picked one up in trembling fingers and stared at it. It was a small thing, but it looked sharp. It would do the job. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. The blade was icy cold against his skin, but the blood was warm. 


	4. Chapter 4

His head was pounding and he felt weak and woozy. He had the distinct feeling that if he opened his eyes, the room would start spinning. The potions must have hit him harder than usual this month. 

But that was wrong. After the potions, the ache was in his belly, not his head. That made no sense. Remus could tell from the feel of the bed under him that he was in the hospital wing. He tried to move his hands, only to discover that both of them were being held tightly. 

"Sirius?" he whispered. His tongue felt thick and wooly. He was very thirsty. 

The grip on his hands tightened. 

"He's awake!" 

"Remus?" 

Familiar voices, but not his friends. 

"Mum?" He risked opening his eyes. "Dad?" 

"Remus, _why_ \-- ?" 

"How could you -- ?" 

They both seemed terribly upset about something, but Remus could make no sense of their words. He closed his eyes again. Perhaps he was dreaming. He could think of no good reason why his parents would be at Hogwarts. 

"Is he awake?" Another voice, clipped and professional. Madam Pomfrey. 

"I-I think so," said his mother. 

"Good. Please stand aside, Mr and Mrs Lupin. Remus will feel much better once he's had a dose of this." 

His parents' hands let go reluctantly, and a strong arm around his shoulders raised him halfway into a sitting position. Even that much movement made him feel sick and dizzy, but Remus obediently swallowed the potion pressed to his lips. It was warm and thick, with a metallic tang to it. His head began to clear almost immediately as the matron eased him back onto the pillow. 

"Better now?" she asked as his eyes blinked open once more. 

He nodded. 

"You've lost a lot of blood," she informed him. "You're very lucky that Potter and Pettigrew found you in time, and that Potter managed to keep his head." 

"Blood?" He remembered blood. A lot of it. Smeared and dripping on the white tiles of the bathroom floor. 

"You tried to kill yourself, Remus." His father's voice was strained. "Why?" 

Remus glanced down in surprise and noticed the bandages on his wrists for the first time. He remembered the razor now, but what had come before that? 

"Mr Lupin had a very upsetting experience yesterday," said a no-nonsense Scottish voice from the doorway. Professor McGonagall joined the other adults clustered around his bed. "Please rest assured that Headmaster Dumbledore is dealing with the matter personally. He has spoken to Mr Snape -- " 

_Snape._ Remus shuddered as the memory came rushing back to him. The sneer. The spell. The sudden chill. The laugh. 

"I -- " he said, interrupting McGonagall's explanation of the previous day's incident. 

His mother was by his side at once. "What is it, Sweetheart? Do you need something?" 

"I want -- " he licked his lips. "I want to go home. Please?" 

"Of course, Love," his mother soothed, stroking his hair. "That's why we're here." 

But he could not leave. Not immediately. Madam Pomfrey declared him unfit for travel, and said he must remain in the hospital wing for the rest of the day, taking regular doses of the blood-restorative draught. Professor McGonagall arranged rooms for his parents, but one or both of them remained at his bedside as he slept -- or pretended to -- all that day. 

Once, when his mother disappeared to the toilets, Remus asked after his friends. 

Madam Pomfrey frowned. "I've told them that you need your rest. You're too weak for rowdy visitors." 

Remus nodded. He was not sure he wanted to see his friends after everything that had happened. What must they think of him now? What must Sirius think? 

When his mother returned, he pretended to sleep again, eventually falling into an uneasy doze. At one point, he thought he heard Sirius's anxious voice outside the infirmary door, but that might have been only a dream. 

Daylight was fading from the high windows of the hospital wing by the time Madam Pomfrey pronounced him fit enough for the journey home. Dressing himself still proved exhausting, but at least he could stand on his own. The school house-elves had brought a few of his things down from the dormitory so that he did not have to make the long climb to Gryffindor tower. 

Remus hoped that he could sneak away while his friends were at supper, but Sirius was sitting on the stone bench just outside the doors to the hospital wing when Remus and his family emerged. He looked as if he had not slept, and he was wearing the same robes he had had on the day before. 

"Remus!" he cried, leaping to his feet. "Remus, are you -- ?" 

Remus kept his eyes down, and did not stop or acknowledge the other boy. His father put an arm around his shoulders and turned him towards the great staircase leading down to the entrance hall. Sirius did not follow. 

* * *

Most of his first two days at home were spent in bed, resting and regaining his strength. At least, that was the idea. Mostly, he wallowed in his own misery. His parents hovered over him, worried, but they did not try to talk to him immediately about what had happened, for which Remus was grateful. 

It was all such a mess. Snape. James and Peter. Sirius. And now they knew, too, what a weakling and a coward he was. 

Two owls arrived from Hogwarts on the third day. One carried a list of assignments which his professors expected him to complete. The other was in Sirius's carelessly elegant scrawl, and seemed to confirm all of Remus's worst fears. 

> _Lupin, you utter Tosser! I cannot Believe you would try to Top yourself! I'd ask you what you were Thinking, but clearly you weren't. Not about your Friends. Not about your Family either, I guess. I hope you're Happy. Pete's been having Nightmares. You're Lucky that James knew that Tourniquet Charm from Quidditch. But did you even Thank him for that? No! Because you are a complete Arsehole. We would have done Anything for you. But I guess you didn't Care enough to even Talk to us. It's a Good Thing you're not here right now, or I'd punch you right in your stupid Face._
> 
> _\- S_

That was it. It was over. Sirius hated him. Remus had lost the person whose good opinion mattered most to him in all the world. He stuffed the letter into the drawer of the nightstand and stared up at the ceiling, feeling numb. 

* * *

Remus was lying on his bed reading a book when his father knocked on the door two days later. 

"There's been an owl for you," Marcellus Lupin said. 

The scroll was too small to be official Hogwarts business, which probably meant more bad news. Remus took it from his father, but waited for him to leave before opening it. 

Marcellus hesitated at the foot of his bed. "I think it's past time we talked about some things, Remus. Will you join me and your mother in the sitting room in a few minutes?" 

Remus nodded. He had known this was coming. 

His father went out, and Remus's eyes reluctantly returned to the small parchment. Hands trembling, he unrolled it. It was from James. 

> _Remus,_
> 
> _When are you coming back? Sirius has been in a strop ever since you left. He's impossible to live with. He keeps saying he wants to punch you, but the other night when I got up to go to the toilet, he was sleeping in your bed. I think he misses you. Dumbledore made Snivellus promise not to tell anyone, so you don't have to worry about that. It's weird here with just the three of us._
> 
> _See you soon, I hope._
> 
> _\- James_

Remus rubbed a hand over his face, feeling tired. He was not at all sure he wanted to go back to school. James seemed friendly enough, and maybe he was right about Sirius, but if his recent experiences had taught Remus anything, it was that his secret would never be entirely safe, and he could be found out at any time. That fear and anxiety had already almost killed him once. Was it even worth trying again, letting himself get invested in a world he could be ripped out of at any time? He had good marks on his OWLs; did he really need his NEWTs? 

Remus sighed and dropped the scroll on the nightstand, on top of the pile of untouched schoolwork. He would think about it after he talked with his parents. They would probably be too afraid to even let him out of the house after what he had done, let alone send him back to Hogwarts. 

He got up and dressed himself in real clothes for the first time in a week. His shirtsleeves would not button around his bandaged wrists, and Remus removed the gauze. The scars were a vivid pink, but they were almost healed. He stared at them, feeling embarrassed. His parents must surely be disappointed in him, and now they were waiting for him to explain his behaviour, which he was not sure he could do. With a sigh, he pushed open his bedroom door. 

They sat at either end of the sofa. The space between them might as well have had Remus's name on it, so clearly was it reserved for him. The strain of the last week showed on his parents' faces. Remus sat, staring down at his hands, knowing he owed it to them to start. 

He cleared his throat. "I'm sorry. I know it was stupid and I've upset you. I wasn't thinking straight. I promise it won't happen again." 

A small hiccoughing sound from his mother surprised him. As he raised his head to look at her, his father swore and grabbed him in a fierce bear hug. Marcellus's arms were tight around him, his mother was crying on his shoulder, and the numbing fear that had blocked every other feeling for the past week crumbled. Hot tears poured down Remus's cheeks as sobs shook his body. 

It was long minutes before any of them were able to speak. At last his father sat back, wiping his eyes on his sleeve, one arm still around Remus. Sylvia Lupin sniffled and took out a handkerchief to blow her nose, one-handed, her other hand gripping Remus's tightly, as if she would never let go. 

"We never knew you were so unhappy, Sweetheart." Her voice trembled as she spoke. "Have we handled things so badly? Was there something more we could have done?" 

"I don't know," Remus admitted. "But I haven't been unhappy. Not all the time, anyway. I was just scared of people finding out." 

"If they find out, they find out," said Marcellus. "We'll fight that dragon when we come to it. But even if that happens, you're always safe here with me and your mother. You know that, right?" 

Remus tried to smile. "I know, Dad. But the inheritance -- " 

"Forget the inheritance," said Sylvia. "It's only money. _You_ are what's important. If it would be easier for you not to have to hide -- " 

Remus shook his head. "If word gets out, I'll never have any kind of normal life. There aren't that many wizards in Britain; everyone would know. I'd have to live as a Muggle or move to another country. And it wouldn't be any easier for you, having people find out you're the parents of a freak." 

"You're not a freak, Remus," said his father, squeezing his shoulder. "You're my son, and I love you." 

_My son._ Marcellus hardly ever said those words. Remus closed his eyes and bit his lip, afraid he might start crying again. "And if you never find a cure?" 

"Then you're still my son, and I still love you," Marcellus said steadily. "I know I haven't always been a perfect father. It's been hard, watching you struggle." 

"We didn't know what to do, after it happened," Sylvia admitted, voice soft. "You were so young, you probably can't even remember. We were in shock, thinking we had lost our little boy, but we did our best to care for the little girl we thought we had been given. We bought you new clothes. New toys. We even tried changing your name." 

Remus stared at her. This was news to him. 

His father gave him an apologetic half-smile. "But you were having none of it. You just carried on as always, playing with the same toys, demanding your old clothes, and refusing to answer to anything but 'Remus'. It didn't take long for us to see that you hadn't changed at all, and that you were happiest being who you had always been. Your happiness was the only thing we ever wanted, Son." 

"If keeping things quiet and carrying on as we have been is what you want," said his mother, squeezing his hand, "then that's what we'll do. But if there's anything you want to change, all you have to do is tell us." 

Remus had never been so grateful to have the parents he had, but he was still a little afraid to ask for what he really wanted. "There's one thing -- " 

"Name it," said his father. "If it's possible, we'll move heaven and earth to see that it happens." 

"Would you -- stop looking for a cure?" he asked. "I don't think there is one, and you shouldn't be wasting your money." 

His mother looked shocked. She was the sort of witch who believed that nothing was impossible, with magic. 

"Instead," Remus pressed on, "could you maybe look into the Muggle treatments Dumbledore mentioned? If they have something that might help, I'd like to at least find out about it. I don't think it could be any worse than the potions I'm taking now." 

"Muggle medicine?" His mother frowned. "I'm not sure that's wise, Remus." 

Remus did not like to push his parents after they had been so wonderfully understanding, but he knew this might be his best chance. "You said you'd do anything," he reminded them quietly. 

"We did," his father agreed. "If that's what you want, we'll look into it. Will you continue with your potions for now, once you're back at school?" 

Remus hesitated. "I wasn't sure you'd want me to go back." 

"Not go back to school?" cried his mother, shocked. "But what about your NEWTs?" 

"I have my OWLs," he pointed out. 

His father frowned. "Don't you want to go back to school, Remus?" 

Remus shrugged, not meeting his parents' eyes. 

"You know Dumbledore won't let those boys tell anyone," Sylvia reminded him gently. 

"It's not just that," Remus whispered. 

"Are you worried about your friends?" asked Marcellus. "You've had two owls from them since you've been home. They must be worried about you." 

Remus hung his head miserably, trying not to think about the letter Sirius had written him. "It's embarrassing," he admitted. "They all saw me, and then I tried to top myself. What must they think of me now?" 

"There's only one way to find out," said his mother. "If things are really as bad as all that, we can talk about other options over the holidays. But I think, and I'm sure your father agrees with me, that you should at least give it a try." 

Marcellus nodded. "It's not good for you to be alone, Remus. A boy of your age should have friends around him." 

"All right," sighed Remus. "I'll try." 

"That's the spirit." His father smiled. "I expect this means you have some schoolwork to do before supper." 


	5. Chapter 5

Remus's parents accompanied him back to Hogsmeade via the Floo network the following Sunday, and saw him as far as the gates to the school grounds. He assured them that he could manage the rest of the way alone. They hugged each other for a long time, and everyone was a little sniffly, though that might only have been the misty autumn weather. 

"You promise you'll write to us, or go to Professor McGonagall if things are difficult, instead of doing anything rash?" demanded his mother, desperately searching his face. 

"I promise, Mum." He kissed her cheek, then hugged her and his father one more time. "You're the best." 

His father kissed the top of his head, then shooed him through the castle gates. 

"Don't just write when you're desperate, Son," Marcellus called after him. "We want to hear from you every week." 

Remus waved, then turned towards the castle and the friends he might or might not still have. 

* * *

It took all of Remus's courage to push open the door to the boys' dormitory and step inside. 

"You're back!" Peter bounced up from his bed, looking relieved. 

James flashed him an awkward version of his usual grin. "Hey, Remus." 

Sirius glanced up from his Potions text, then quickly down again, the corners of his mouth tightening. 

"Hi." Remus could think of nothing else to say, and no one else seemed prepared to make small talk. 

He busied himself with putting away his things, and getting out his schoolwork to hand in the next day, before ducking into the bathroom for no better reason than wanting a little space from the silence of his roommates. 

That was a mistake. As soon as he saw the tiled floor, he remembered the blood dripping from his knuckles, and felt again the terror that had driven him to it. Remus felt dizzy, and leaned against the counter, eyes closed. 

_It's all right,_ he told himself fiercely. _You're fine, Lupin. You're safe here._ The dormitory bathroom was one of the safest places in the school for him. It would be more than inconvenient if he was unable to use it. 

After a few deep breaths, the feeling subsided. He had been in this room thousands of times before. It was only the one time that was a problem. The more distance he put between himself and the incident, the easier it would get. Remus opened his eyes. This time, the tiles stayed white. 

"You OK, mate?" James asked, peering at him curiously when he reentered the dormitory, dark face betraying just a hint of worry. 

"I'm fine," said Remus. He darted a glance towards Sirius, who kept his head down, looking unusually studious. 

Remus went to his own bed and took out one of his textbooks, not much caring which, to give himself the appearance of having something to do to fill the time until supper. 

* * *

James was the soul of solicitude in the days that followed, checking in with Remus several times a day to make sure he was all right. Peter, who hated confrontation or unpleasantness of any kind, seemed content to pretend like nothing had happened. Sirius continued to give Remus the cold shoulder. When he spoke to the others, he was sarcastic and bad-tempered. Arriving back at the dormitory one afternoon, Remus heard raised voices, but when he opened the door, the shouting broke off. James and Sirius spent the rest of the day scowling silently at one another. Remus hoped they would patch things up soon. The two of them were normally closer than brothers, and Remus hated the thought of them falling out over him. 

Even though Sirius was not speaking to him, Remus noticed that the other boy was never far away. Wherever Remus went, he followed, like a grumpy guard dog. If Remus was in the common room, so was Sirius. When Remus went to the weekly Prefects' meeting, Sirius just happened to be passing by as it ended. Even when Remus went to study in the library, Sirius would appear within minutes, slouching over a book at another table; an activity almost unknown to him in the past. Whenever someone came through the library door, Sirius glanced up sharply to determine their identity, then went back to glowering at his book. 

It saddened Remus that he had lost Sirius's friendship, and bothered him that the other boy clearly felt obligated to continue protecting him. He did not begrudge Sirius his discomfort. Few people would be flattered to learn someone like Remus fancied them, he was sure. If Sirius viewed it as a gross breach of their bond, there was nothing Remus could do about it. He was not about to force his wayward feelings on someone who was so clearly not interested. Maybe one day Sirius would forgive him, but until then, Remus would have to make do with James and Peter's friendship. 

Severus Snape also kept a close watch on Remus. Dumbledore's orders might prevent him from spreading Remus's secret around the school, but they did not stop him from needling Remus every chance he got. Hardly a day went by that Remus did not hear the words "ugly bint", "freak", "slut", or "whore" hissed at him in the corridors, or under the hubbub of the Great Hall. 

"I can't imagine why those roommates of yours haven't turfed you out yet," Snape murmured one day when he caught Remus on his way to Arithmancy. "Unless you've been letting them take turns on your ugly cunt. Not that I can imagine anyone wanting to. A person would have to be blind or desperate to fuck a freak like you without losing their lunch." 

Remus walked faster, trying not to listen, repeating Arithmancy formulas over and over under his breath. 

"I hope you know how to brew a decent birth control potion, Lupin," Snape continued. "You'd be even more disgusting with a big belly. Are you over Black yet? Or do you pretend it's true love when he takes his turn?" 

"What was that, Snivellus?" 

Remus and Snape's heads both whipped around to see Sirius lounging against the wall between them and the Arithmancy classroom. 

Snape's mouth twisted into a sneer. "I wasn't hurting your girlfriend, Black. There's no law against me talking to her." 

"There is now." Sirius pushed away from the wall, wand clenched in his fist. "I don't ever want to hear about you speaking to Remus again. I'm fairly certain Dumbledore told you not to bother him." 

"Just because I have to keep quiet about Lupin's deep, dark, disgusting secret doesn't mean I can't have a little fun." Snape's fingers twitched towards his wand pocket. 

Remus's heart pounded. He felt sick and dizzy. It was the Potions classroom all over again, and he was about to be stripped and humiliated for a second time. 

"Don't --" he pleaded through numb lips, a hand on Sirius's wrist, eyes rising to meet the stormy grey glare. 

Sirius hesitated. "Remus --" 

Snape snorted. "You lovebirds can go find yourselves a handy broom cupboard. You're not worth being late to class over." He disappeared down the corridor. 

Remus's hand dropped away from Sirius's wrist. He was trembling, feeling as though he might faint. "I -- I'm just -- toilets -- see you in class." He turned and hurried in the opposite direction from the one Snape had taken. 

Footsteps sounded behind him, and Remus broke into a run. He was winded by the time he ducked into the boys' lavatory and slammed the cubicle door shut behind him. Sliding to the floor with his back against the door, Remus pressed his hands over his face, still shaking. Snape's words echoed in his head, and he was not prepared to deal with them and Sirius at the same time. 

The hinges of the lavatory door squeaked as someone entered the room. 

"Remus?" Sirius called. "Are you in here?" 

Remus tried to stay silent, hoping the other boy would leave, but the closed cubicle door gave him away. 

There was a knock. "Remus?" 

"Go away, Sirius," he said, hating how high and shaky his voice sounded. "I don't need you hovering over me like a -- a mother badger or whatever it is you think you're doing." 

"Bollocks you don't," said the grumpy voice on the other side of the door. "Last time you ran off on your own like that, you almost _died_. Are you going to come out here so I can see whether you're all right, or do I have to blast this door open?" 

Remus closed his eyes for a moment, then got reluctantly to his feet and unlatched the door. "See?" he said, holding out his wrists. "All in one piece. Now will you go? You're late for class." 

Sirius's eyes were fixed on the still-pink scars. "So are you." 

"I'm not late," said Remus, going to the sink to splash cold water on his face. "I'm not going." 

"Then neither am I." 

Remus sighed, leaning back against the sink. Sirius was not going to let this go, and maybe he was right to want to have things out once and for all. Remus just wished he had not picked now of all times to talk about everything. 

"Look, I'm sorry," he said, feeling about a hundred years old. "I really am. I didn't mean to cause a big disruption in your life. I should've said something, before. But it's really not a big deal. I'll get over it. I just -- can't we be friends again? Pretend I never --" 

Sirius was staring at him, open-mouthed. "Not a big deal?" he said, quiet disbelief rising slowly to a crescendo of outrage. " _Not a big deal?_ You tried to fucking _kill yourself_. You almost _died_. You could've talked to us -- asked us for help. I _am_ your friend, damn you. I want to fucking well help you if you need it. Is Snape the problem? Because I'll kill him for you. I will. I'll go to Azkaban for it if I have to, but if it would make your life easier, I'd do it in a heartbeat. It's just -- it's a very fucking big deal to me, Remus. All right?" Tears stood out on Sirius's cheeks. He did not seem to have noticed. 

Remus lowered his eyes. "I'm sorry," he said again. "I didn't mean it like that. I know it was stupid, what I did. It won't happen again." 

Sirius seemed to deflate. He moved to sit beside Remus on the marble sink. "No, I'm sorry," he said, more quietly. "I didn't mean to yell. It's just -- I was scared. I can't protect you from you." 

"It's not your job to protect me." 

"Isn't it?" Sirius asked. "Isn't that what friends do?" 

Remus looked down at his feet and said nothing. 

"I was in Dumbledore's office," Sirius whispered. "With Snape. Dumbledore made him promise not to tell. Then this silver bird flew through the window, and Pomfrey's voice came out of it, sounding really upset, asking Dumbledore to come to the hospital wing. He sent us off, and I went back to the room and there was blood everywhere --" he broke off, eyes closed, shoulders hunched. 

Remus pressed his lips together and rubbed self-consciously at the scars on his wrists, resisting the urge to apologise again. 

"James and Pete weren't there," Sirius continued. "I didn't know what had happened. I ran down to the hospital wing, and they were there, outside the door, and I thought -- Merlin, from the looks on their faces, I thought for sure you were dead." He took a deep, shaky breath. "I waited. All night and all the next day. I wanted to see you. I just wanted to know --" He looked up, red-rimmed eyes anguished. " _Why_ , Remus?" 

Remus studied his friend's face. He had never seen Sirius look so lost and unsure of himself before. It gave him a strange feeling that Sirius should care so much about him, or be so distressed by his actions. Remus felt that, at the very least, he owed his friend some kind of explanation. 

"Everything was complicated," Remus told him. "Snape knew. I was sure he'd tell everyone. And you all saw --" he shook his head. "I thought everyone would hate me. That I'd have to leave school. That I wouldn't be able to live in the Wizarding world at all, because no one would let me be myself, once they knew. And if I can't be me, then what else is there? I couldn't stand the thought of everyone thinking I was a freak or a -- a _thing_ all the time. If I couldn't be a boy or a wizard, I guess I just didn't see much point in carrying on." 

"Did you think you couldn't talk to us about it?" Sirius asked. "That we wouldn't want to help? Did you have to run away from us, too?" 

Remus looked away. That part was complicated, too, and not in a way he felt able to discuss with Sirius. 

"Was it because of me?" Sirius's voice was gentle, hesitant now. "I thought maybe Snape was just being a prick like usual, but -- he wasn't, was he? Were you afraid of what I would think?" 

Remus hunched his shoulders, curling in on himself, and did not meet Sirius's eyes. Any minute now, he was going to start shaking again. "It's really not a big deal," he lied. 

Sirius let out his breath in a soft sigh. "So it's true." 

Remus stared down at his clenched hands. "I'll get over it. You don't have to tell me you just want to be friends. It's fine. I know you'd never go for someone like me." 

"Is that what Snape's been telling you?" The edge of anger was back in Sirius's voice. 

"It doesn't matter. I already know --" 

"Remus --" 

The sharp sound of his name made him look up, fearful. Sirius's eyes were fixed on his face with a belligerent intensity. 

"Snape is a fucking tosser who doesn't have the first fucking clue what he's talking about," said Sirius. His voice was low and fierce, but the hand on the back of Remus's neck was gentle. Slowly, deliberately, he leaned in to press his mouth to Remus's numb, disbelieving lips. 

"W-what are you doing?" gasped Remus, jerking back. 

"I'm kissing you." 

"Why?" 

"Because I want to. Don't you want me to?" 

Remus gave a slight, jerky nod. "But -- I thought you only fancied boys?" 

"That's right," said Sirius, and kissed him again. 

This time, Remus let it happen. 


	6. Chapter 6

Every time Remus looked up over the next few days, his eyes went straight to Sirius. Sirius would grin and sometimes wink, and Remus would blush and look away. But apart from the few tentative kisses they had shared in the boys' lavatory during Arithmancy, and another that tasted of toothpaste before bed later that night, Sirius did not try to kiss Remus again. 

Time was one factor. It was difficult to find a moment when James and Peter were not nearby. However, as the days passed, Remus began to worry that he himself was the problem. Whenever Sirius got too close, Remus would turn into a blushing, stammering mess. It was embarrassing. 

His own oversized self-doubt whispered that Sirius was probably having second thoughts. Involvement with someone like Remus was rife with complications, and Sirius had a habit of jumping into situations feet-first, without thinking. Or maybe, said the insidious voice in the back of Remus's mind, Sirius did not really fancy him at all, and the kisses had been only a misguided attempt on Sirius's part to give Remus what he wanted, to keep him from leaving school or harming himself again. When such thoughts overwhelmed him, Remus had to go away and be by himself for a while. 

His doubts grew as his monthly Potions treatment approached. When he caught Sirius's eye in Transfiguration on the morning of his appointment, Sirius was frowning, puzzled, as if he was trying to work something out. _He fucked up and he knows it,_ Remus thought glumly. _Now he's just looking for a way to tell me._ He could not bear the thought of Sirius's apologies. Not today. 

After class, Remus muttered his excuses and slunk away from his roommates. He hurried to the hospital wing, feeling something like relief. At least there he did not have to deal with solicitous friends, only with his own body. That much, he could manage. 

He changed into his pyjamas and sat on the infirmary bed while Madam Pomfrey measured out the correct dosage of each of the five potions. Usually, Remus dreaded this, but today he had too much on his mind. Sirius's puzzled, frowning face swam to the surface of his thoughts as Remus tilted his head back and swallowed the first sour potion. _He wouldn't look at me that way if I were a real boy,_ he thought bitterly. He wondered if the potions were even worth it. Remus could take them his whole life and they would never transform him into what Sirius wanted. 

Afterwards, he lay on the bed, curled in a tight ball, his misery divided between the fist squeezing and tearing at his guts and the bittersweet memory of Sirius's lips on his for a brief moment that would probably never happen again. He turned his face and let the tears soak into the stiff, starchy pillowcase. 

* * *

It was dark when he woke. Madam Pomfrey stood beside the bed, her face a pale glow in the wandlight. 

"How are you feeling, Mr Lupin?" she asked, not unkindly. 

"Mmmph." The worst of the pain had receded, but a dull ache still throbbed in his lower belly, and the area between his legs was unpleasantly squashy. 

"If you want to go to your own bed, the school is at supper now." 

Remus sat up, knuckling the crusty feeling out of his eyes. "Thank you, Ma'am." 

She hesitated. "Mr Black came by earlier. I told him you were resting." 

Sickness squirmed in Remus's guts. Could Sirius not have waited until Remus was feeling more himself before telling him that it had all been a mistake? Perhaps he should stay in the infirmary tonight after all. That would only postpone the inevitable, however, and Remus was too much of a Gryffindor to fall into that trap. Better to just get it over with. 

Remus cleaned himself up in the hospital wing toilets, succumbing to a brief bout of nausea that left him weak and shaky, with the sour taste of the potions back in his mouth. He rinsed and spat, then pulled on his robes over his pyjamas, avoiding the eyes of the pale, sickly face in the mirror. He had no wish to remind himself how unappealing he looked right now, with dark smudges of exhaustion hollowing his eyes, and his hair sticking up in all directions from fitful sleep. The Hogwarts ghosts looked healthier than Remus did on Potions days. 

Sirius was waiting on the bench outside the hospital wing. Remus was only half surprised. His friend jumped up when he saw him. Remus looked away. 

"You should go to supper." 

"I'm OK," said Sirius. "Are you?" 

"Yeah, fine." Remus began walking in the direction of Gryffindor tower. 

"You look like death," said Sirius, following him. 

"Thanks. I'm tired, Sirius. What d'you want?" 

"I just wanted to see you." 

Remus stopped and turned to face his friend. "If you're going to tell me it was all a mistake, just get it over with, all right?" 

"A mistake?" Sirius looked startled. "You think I didn't --?" 

Remus shrugged. "It's been a week. If you'd wanted to kiss me again, you would have done it by now." 

Sirius scowled, then grabbed his hand, dragging him into an empty classroom. 

"You want to know why I haven't kissed you?" he demanded. "Because every time I come near you, you freak out. I didn't want to make you uncomfortable, so I backed off. I figured you needed some time to get used to things. Remus -- I've been waiting for _you_ to kiss _me_." 

Remus blinked at him. "You want me to kiss you?" 

"Yes. Are you going to?" 

"What, now?" 

"If you like." 

"While I look 'like death'?" 

Sirius grinned sheepishly. "I don't mind. I want to kiss you all the time. Even now. Especially now, because you look tired and sad and confused, and maybe if I kiss you, it will help a bit. Maybe you'll realise that you're worth kissing, even when you're not at your best." He blushed, but his eyes did not leave Remus's face. 

Remus stared at him, stunned, as Sirius held out his hands. Tentatively, Remus took them, stepping towards him. Another step, and he was close enough to notice the quick, nervous rise and fall of Sirius's chest. 

"Please?" whispered Sirius, squeezing his hands. 

Hesitantly, Remus tilted his face up, and his lips brushed the other boy's. Sirius sighed, eyes closed, but he did not move. Remus did it again, pressing their mouths together more firmly this time. The tip of his tongue flicked out to taste the curve of Sirius's full lower lip, and then Sirius's mouth was moving against his, lips parting, sending delicious, terrified thrills down Remus's spine. For one moment, he forgot the discomfort of his body, lost in the warm welcome of Sirius's mouth. 

"Better?" asked Sirius a moment later, as they stood, arms around one another, foreheads pressed together. 

"Much," sighed Remus. "You're sure you want to do this?" 

"Yes," Sirius said firmly, kissing his nose. "Do you need me to make it official?" 

"Official?" Remus asked, confused. 

Sirius grinned. "Remus Lupin, will you be my boyfriend?" 

Remus could not keep a surprised giggle from escaping his lips. "Yes," he said. "Yes, if you want me to be." 

"Good." Sirius pulled him close in a bear hug, then kissed him again, on the mouth this time. 

By the time Sirius let him go, Remus was breathless and giddy. He had to sit down for a moment on one of the classroom's desks. Sirius sat beside him, taking his hand once more. 

"I was worried," Remus admitted. "I thought maybe you really did think of me as a girl." 

Sirius's brow furrowed. "You're not a girl, Remus. I've never thought of you as one." 

Remus gave him a rueful smile. "I thought maybe I was one, when I realised I fancied you." 

"Why?" asked Sirius. "I fancy boys, and that doesn't make me a girl." 

"Well, but you're normal." 

Sirius snorted. "I'm a gay wizard. Most people wouldn't consider that very normal." 

"I suppose not," Remus conceded, looking down at their joined hands. "But you're normal compared to me." 

Sirius's free hand rose to brush his cheek. "Everybody is weird and different in one way or another, Remus," he said softly. "It doesn't make you less of a person, or mean you have any less right to be happy." 

For a moment, Remus was worried he might cry. His potions treatments always seemed to bring his emotions right to the surface. Sirius had always been a good friend, but Remus had never imagined him being so open and understanding, saying all the right things. He wondered if he was dreaming. 

"I thought you wouldn't want me," he confessed, unable to meet Sirius's eyes. "Because I'm different." 

"You mean because you don't have a cock?" Sirius asked. He hesitated for a moment. "I thought about that. While you were -- away. I thought about a lot of things. But that -- I don't think it makes a difference. The reason I like blokes isn't because they have cocks; it's because they're blokes. I like snogging them even when it never goes further than that. I like snogging you, even if we never --" he broke off, blushing. 

Remus cleared his throat, his own cheeks flaming, hastily redirecting the conversation. "But I don't act like blokes are supposed to. I like to read. I write poetry. I don't care about Quidditch." 

"You write poetry?" asked Sirius. "Can I --?" 

" _No_ ," said Remus, flushing more furiously than ever as he thought about the incriminating verses hidden at the bottom of his trunk, and the hours spent searching for words that rhymed with _Sirius_ , and synonyms for _grey_ and _beautiful_. 

"OK." Sirius was smiling now. "Is that all you're worried about? Some blokes like reading. Some blokes don't follow Quidditch. It's not that unusual. It might make you a bit of a stuffy professor sometimes, but it certainly doesn't make you a girl." 

"But I'm not good looking," Remus burst out. "I hardly look like a bloke at all. Why would you fancy me? I don't look like Dorian Gaveston." 

Sirius's smile vanished, replaced by a confused frown. "What does Gaveston have to do with anything?" 

Remus bit his lip. "I saw you snogging him," he admitted. 

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Gaveston's a tosser. He was all right to get off with once or twice, but I was over him in about a week." 

"But -- he's really good looking." 

"So?" 

"You're really good looking, too." 

"Am I?" Sirius grinned. 

"Leave it out, Black." It was Remus's turn to roll his eyes. "You know you are. I just meant -- you can have anyone you want. I can understand why you'd go for someone who looks like him. But why would you ever be interested in someone like me?" 

Sirius shook his head. "Because you're _Remus_. You're not just some pretty, brainless tosser. You're kind and smart and thoughtful and fun to be around. Nice to kiss, too," he added, catching Remus's eye with a smile and a wink. "Anyway, I like your face. So stop thinking you're some kind of hideous troll. You're not. You're a nice-looking bloke." 

Remus was not convinced. He pulled his robes tighter around himself, shivering. The snakes in his belly turned over, reminding him that they were not finished with him yet today. 

"Speaking of brainless tossers," said Sirius, looking suddenly guilty. "I'm sorry, Remus. I didn't mean to make you sit around a drafty classroom when you're not feeling well." 

It was not safe to hold hands in the corridors, even with most of the school still down at supper, and Sirius did not try, although he did walk very close beside Remus all the way back to Gryffindor Tower. The common room was quiet when they came through the portrait hole, and Sirius slid an arm around Remus's waist as they turned towards the stairs up to the dormitories. 

Sirius made tea while Remus shrugged out of his robes, kicked off his shoes, and climbed wearily into bed. 

"I do mean it," he said quietly, when he handed the steaming mug to Remus. "All of it." 

Remus sipped his tea, eyes lowered. "I know. It's just -- when you hate who you are as much as I do, it's hard to accept that other people might not feel the same way." 

A hand cupped his cheek, and Remus looked up into black-lashed grey eyes filled with tenderness. 

"I could never hate anything about you, Remus," said Sirius, soft voice earnest. "You're wonderful." 

Gently, Sirius took the mug out of his unresisting hands, setting it aside and wrapping his arms tightly around Remus's shoulders, as if he never meant to let go. 

"I don't want to lose you again," Sirius murmured, voice rough-edged with feeling. "I don't think I could bear it." 


	7. Chapter 7

It was a beautiful late autumn day, and the sixth year Gryffindor boys were enjoying a picnic lunch atop the Astronomy tower, courtesy of the Hogwarts house-elves. Under the eyes of their friends, Remus and Sirius kept a careful distance between themselves, and glanced at one another no more than seemed friendly. 

Remus was just thanking Sirius for the slice of treacle tart he had passed him, when James burst out, "Oh, will you two give over!" 

"Give over what, mate?" Sirius asked, all innocence, as Remus froze. 

James rolled his eyes. "We know, all right? You and Remus are together now." 

Fear burrowed into Remus's belly, but Sirius gave James a belligerent scowl, shifting his position slightly to put himself between Remus and the others. "So what if we are?" 

Remus cast Peter a nervous glance, which Peter returned with a lopsided smile. That, at least, seemed like a non-threatening reaction. He waited to see how things would play out between the two best friends. 

"Did you think I wouldn't notice?" asked James. "You should've seen the way he was acting while you were away," he told Remus. "Then he told me he was queer, and suddenly it all made sense." 

"You told him?" Remus glanced at Sirius, surprised. 

"Before you came back," said Sirius with an apologetic shrug. "It didn't seem right, keeping quiet about it after everything you were dealing with." 

"I'm not stupid," interrupted James. "And nor is Pete. He saw you snogging the other day." 

Remus gave Peter another surprised look, and Sirius narrowed his eyes. 

"It's all right," said Peter with a nervous glance at Sirius. "I don't mind. I think it's sweet, the two of you getting together." 

James snorted. "'Sweet' isn't necessarily the word I'd use." 

"So sorry if me snogging my _boyfriend_ makes you uncomfortable, Potter," said Sirius, not sounding sorry at all. "You never had any problem snogging Hathersage in front of us." 

"That was different," snapped James. 

"Is it, though?" asked Peter. 

James frowned thoughtfully. "No. No, Pete's right; it's not. It's not fair that I can snog a girl or hold hands with her where people can see us, and no one makes a fuss, but you have to hide and keep things secret." 

"A lot of things aren't fair," Remus said quietly. 

Sirius wrapped a protective arm around his shoulders, eyes still fixed on James. "Anyway, what of it?" 

James sighed. "I just meant to say that you don't have to hide it from us, all right? I mean, I don't fancy watching my two best mates snog each other, but when it's just the four of us, you don't have to pretend like nothing's going on." 

Peter nodded vigorous agreement. "Tell them about my idea," he prompted. 

James rolled his eyes again. "Tuesday afternoons and Saturday mornings are Gryffindor Quidditch practice, yeah? Well, Pete's going to make himself scarce then, too, so you'll have the room all to yourselves for a few hours a week." 

A slow smile spread across Sirius's face as Remus stared at James in disbelief. 

"You really don't mind?" Remus asked. 

James gave him a weak approximation of his usual grin. "I don't know if I mind or not, but if my friends are happy, that's the important thing, right?" 

The tension in his belly eased, and Remus did his best to return James's smile. "Thanks. That's -- thanks." 

Peter took up the flask of pumpkin juice and refilled their goblets. "A toast," he said, raising his own. "To friendship and snogging." 

"Friendship and snogging!" The four of them clinked their goblets together and drank. 

"But if you're planning to do more than just snog when we're around," said James as they banished empty dishes and napkins back to the kitchens, "for Merlin's sake, remember your Silencing charms." 

* * *

At first, Remus felt self-conscious kissing Sirius when their friends were in the room, but Sirius felt no such compunction. He took great delight in giving Remus a _good morning_ kiss each day, and when the four of them were in the dormitory together, Sirius was rarely more than an arm's length from him, and as often as not, held Remus's hand or snuggled close against his side. James rolled his eyes at them a lot during the first few days, while Peter shot glances at them, grinned foolishly, and looked away. 

On Saturday morning, when James got up from breakfast to head down to the Quidditch pitch, he muttered, "Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Or ... not," and blushed, hurrying away. 

Peter gave them a surprisingly bawdy wink and a jaunty wave as they left the Great Hall. Butterflies flapped wildly in Remus's belly. The thought of an uninterrupted stretch of private time with Sirius had him in nervous jitters. He was silent as they climbed the stairs to Gryffindor tower, too preoccupied to notice that Sirius was unusually quiet as well. 

"So," he said, when they reached their dormitory, "what do you want to -- er?" 

"Dunno," said Sirius, ears pinkening. "I thought maybe I'd see how long I can snog you before my mouth gets tired. If you want to." 

Remus smiled. A few of the more turbulent butterflies settled down. "That sounds like fun." 

The only really comfortable place to sit in the room was on the beds. Sirius brought his own pillows over to Remus's bed and they piled them up against the headboard, kicking their shoes off onto the floor. Sirius bit his lip to hide a smile as he took Remus's hands in his. 

Remus loved that smile. That nose with the three small freckles across the bridge. That pointed chin. Those beautiful grey eyes, fringed with long black lashes. He could not imagine what he had done to deserve this lovely boy's affection, but he was glad to have it. It occurred to Remus quite suddenly how ridiculous it was to have Sirius here, all to himself, looking at him like that, and not kiss him. 

He leaned forwards, lips parted, and pressed his mouth to Sirius's. Sirius responded eagerly, their teeth clicking together, and then it was all playful nibbling lips and teasing tongues. Their arms went around one another, and their feet tangled together as they gradually snuggled farther and farther down on the bed, until they lay face-to-face. 

It was wonderful, but Remus held himself back, keeping a handbreadth of space between them. He did not feel ready yet to have Sirius think about his body while they did this. It was better, for now, to just enjoy the kissing and the light touches. Sirius did not push for more contact, but when Remus bit his lower lip, he moaned softly, sending a delicious shiver through Remus's core. They broke apart, panting slightly. 

"Is your mouth tired yet?" Remus asked. 

Sirius grinned, lips red and puffy. "Not even close," he said, diving back in to kiss Remus again. 

Remus was just thinking how warm it was in the room and wishing that he had taken off his outer robes before they started, when there was a sharp knock on the door. James swept in without waiting for a reply, Peter trailing behind him. 

Sirius sat up, hair sticking out at odd angles. "What are you doing back already?" he demanded. 

"It's almost lunch time, mate," frowned James, shoving a hand through his cloud of black hair, even more wildly unkempt than usual from Quidditch practice. "Don't tell me you've been at it for three hours?" 

Remus glanced at the alarm clock on his nightstand in surprise. The hands pointed at a quarter past noon. "Sorry," he mumbled. "I guess we lost track of the time." He wondered whether he looked as flushed and disheveled as Sirius did. 

Peter hid a grin as he returned his schoolbooks to his trunk. 

"Oh, can it, Pete," growled James. "Honestly, I think he's happier than you two are about all this business." He waved a hand at the rumpled bedcovers and tumbled stack of pillows. 

"I can't help it," said Peter, a touch defiantly. "I think it's romantic, two people starting out mates and then falling for one another." 

Sirius flashed Peter a grin. "Yeah, it is. James is just jealous because he hasn't managed to lure Evans up here yet." 

James made a face. "I'm not jealous, and she'll come around. One of these days. Are you two coming to lunch or not?" 

* * *

Tuesday took an agonisingly long time to arrive, with only a handful of quick kisses to tide them over in the meantime. It was nearly impossible for Remus to concentrate in Double Transfiguration that afternoon. He kept catching Sirius's eye and having to look away again quickly, fumbling his wand. His heart beat faster than usual, and his palms were damp, but not with nerves this time; he was impatient to get Sirius alone and snog him breathless again -- to see him all mussed and rumpled and happy, on Remus's bed. 

James gave them a disgruntled look as they hurried past him on the way out of the classroom. Irrepressible giggles bubbled between their lips as they chased one another up the stairs to Gryffindor tower. As soon as the dormitory door closed behind them, Remus shrugged out of his robes and kicked off his shoes. 

Sirius laughed, following suit. "Why, Mr Lupin, if I didn't know any better, I might think you were impatient to get me into bed." 

"Come here," grinned Remus, holding out a hand. 

Sirius took it and Remus pulled him close, collapsing against the pillows as their lips met. Remus's hand slid around the back of Sirius's neck, fingers buried in his hair, while Sirius's hand splayed across Remus's back, their other hands clasped between them as they lay, facing one another on the bed. It was a moment before they could stop giggling enough to kiss properly. 

Remus was glad he had discarded his robes. It seemed very warm in the room today. The collar of his shirt clung to his neck damply, and he let go of Sirius long enough to tug the top button open. Sirius watched him, a half-smile on his lips, one eyebrow raised. 

"It's warm," said Remus, as even more heat flooded his cheeks. 

"It is," Sirius agreed. Without hesitation, he unbuttoned and shrugged out of his white school shirt, leaving him in the thin white cotton of his vest. "Shall we continue?" 

Remus nodded, dragging his eyes away from Sirius's chest. 

They returned to snogging, but now Remus was distracted by the damp heat of Sirius's skin against his palm through the thin fabric. It was exciting. Experimentally, he abandoned Sirius's lips for a moment to nuzzle his neck, just below his ear. Sirius was just as warm there, skin slightly sticky with sweat. Remus put out his tongue to taste him. Sirius shivered and made a soft sound that delighted Remus. He did it again. 

The hand on Remus's back slid sideways over the curve of his ribs, and he jerked back. 

"Don't --" he gasped, hands clasped protectively over his chest. 

Sirius looked guilty. "Sorry. I wasn't going to -- I don't want to make you uncomfortable. But I do want to touch you, Remus." 

Remus looked away. "You can. I-I want you to. Just not there --" he waved a hand over his chest "-- or there --" he made a helpless flapping gesture between his legs. 

"That's fine," said Sirius, capturing the flailing hand and pressing it to his lips. "I promise I won't unless you ask me to. All right?" 

Biting his lip, Remus nodded. "I just don't want you to have to think about -- things. Not when we're --" 

"Are you worried I'll get turned off by your body?" Sirius asked. "Because that's not going to happen." 

"You don't seem like you're in any hurry to -- do things with me," Remus whispered, lowering his eyes. 

Sirius wrapped an arm around him and pulled him close enough to tuck his head into the crook of Sirius's neck. Remus relaxed a little in the circle of his arms. 

"If I'm not in a hurry, it's because I don't want to rush you before you're ready," Sirius said. "I know this is new for you. It's pretty new for me, too." 

Remus stiffened and Sirius's grip on his shoulder tightened. 

"Not because of you," Sirius explained. "I haven't done that much with anyone." 

"You haven't?" Remus was surprised. Sirius's self-assurance had led him to believe he was fairly experienced. His own relative lack of experience was part of what made Remus so nervous. 

"A couple of blokes have had their hands down my pants, but it never went past that." 

"I'm not sure I needed to know that much," said Remus. Then, "Who?" 

"Jealous?" There was a hint of a smile in Sirius's voice. 

"Should I be?" 

Sirius let Remus go so that he could look into his eyes. "They were tossers, Remus. I was tired of them within a couple of weeks. They weren't you, and it wasn't like this." He kissed Remus softly, right between the eyes. "There. That's something I've never done with anyone else." 

Remus smiled reluctantly, and leaned in to return the gesture. "Me, either. You're the first person I've ever kissed." 

A funny, soppy look spread across Sirius's face. "I guess I knew that. I never really thought about it." 

"I'd like to do it some more, if you don't mind." Remus said. 

"I would mind a lot more if you didn't want to," Sirius told him. "I just wanted to make sure you know you're not the only one who's nervous here." 

Sirius's hand slid over Remus's back again as their mouths met, and for a while, no more was said. As Remus relaxed, he allowed his hands to tentatively explore Sirius's body. One caressed the back of his neck, then slid over the curve of a shoulder, following the groove of his spine until his fingers reached the bottom of Sirius's vest, where they rested, lightly touching the exposed strip of Sirius's lower back. Remus's fingers spread out, sliding across the sweat-slick skin under the thin fabric. His other hand moved between them to curve over Sirius's chest, feeling the thunder of his heart against his palm. 

"Remus --" Sirius whispered after they had kissed for a while longer. 

"Hmmm?" Remus loved the way his name sounded when Sirius said it like that. It sent spirals of pleasure spinning through his belly. He nuzzled Sirius's throat, hoping to hear him say it again. 

"I -- um -- maybe we should stop." 

"Why?" asked Remus, surprised. 

"Because, um." 

Sirius moved his hips against Remus's thigh, and Remus felt the unmistakeable hardness there. He stilled, heart hammering against his ribs. "Oh." 

"Sorry," mumbled Sirius. "It's just -- I'm really close. I didn't want to surprise you." 

Remus glanced down nervously at the shape in his boyfriend's trousers. "That -- that happened because we were kissing?" 

Sirius nodded. "It happens almost every time we kiss." 

Remus swallowed heavily. He could not take his eyes away, but the question he wanted to ask was frozen on his tongue. 

Sirius seemed to hear it anyway. "You can touch me if you want to, Remus. But you don't have to." His voice trembled. 

So did Remus's hand as it slipped out from under the hem of Sirius's vest to hover uncertainly between them. Both of them held their breath. Under Remus's other hand, Sirius's heart pounded harder than ever. 

By the time James and Peter returned, Sirius was in the bathroom and Remus lay with one arm crooked behind his head, staring dreamily up at the canopy over his bed, fingers closed tight around the memory of hot skin against his palm and the sobbing sound of Sirius calling out his name. 


	8. Chapter 8

Tuesdays and Saturdays were agony to wait for, and too soon over. There was not a moment -- not an activity that Remus participated in -- when he would not rather have been touching and kissing and being alone with Sirius. He could not get enough of the other boy. In a surprisingly short time, Remus got over his awkwardness at kissing Sirius in front of their roommates, and sometimes only a pointed throat-clearing from James or a nervous "er --" from Peter reminded them that they were being anti-social. 

Twice now, Remus had been unwilling to wait for their next "date", slipping between Sirius's bed-curtains under cover of darkness, and into his boyfriend's surprised and delighted arms. Their sleep suffered on those nights, but it was worth it to Remus because it meant one more chance to touch Sirius, feel him hard and urgent in his hand, and hear the desperate sounds he made as he went to pieces. 

Daytime was better, though. Much as he loved touching Sirius's cock -- feeling the shapes of him, the velvety softness, the glide of the foreskin -- being able to look at Sirius while he touched him was a matchless pleasure. When Saturday came and Sirius shed his robes and shirt with a grin, Remus did not let him stop there. He urged his vest over his head and tugged at his belt, and in moments, he was drinking in the sight of Sirius, spread out before him, a smile curving his lips, stroking himself with a loose fist. Sirius. Naked. In his bed. With that look in his eyes. Surely Remus must be dreaming. 

"Are you going to take off those robes and come join me?" Sirius asked. "Or are you just planning to watch?" 

Remus's eyes never left his boyfriend's body as he shrugged out of his robes and tugged open the top button of his shirt. He hesitated a moment, then his hands went to his belt. His trousers puddled on the floor and he stepped out of them, climbing onto the bed in his pants and long-tailed school shirt. Sirius's grin widened as he leaned up on an elbow for a kiss. 

While his mouth was occupied with Sirius's, Remus let his hands wander. Sirius's chest was smooth and hairless, the delicate arch of each rib traceable beneath the thin web of muscle. His skin was a shade or two darker than Remus's own, and broke out in gooseflesh when Remus brushed his thumb lightly over a dark pink nipple. Smiling, Remus nipped playfully at the corner of his boyfriend's jaw and nuzzled at his throat as he continued his explorations. 

When Remus's fingers brushed the soft curve of his belly, Sirius giggled involuntarily. 

"Ticklish?" Remus asked, grinning. 

"You wouldn't." Sirius tensed. 

Remus kissed the curve of his collarbone. "Perhaps not just now. Might be useful to know for the future, though." 

His finger found the sparse trail of hair that ran from Sirius's navel to join the nest of dark curls between his legs. Sirius shivered. 

"Remus --" 

"Hmmm?" said Remus, eyeing one of Sirius's nipples and wondering what would happen if he applied his tongue to it. 

"Y-you don't have to do this every time." 

"I want to. I like touching you. Don't you want me to?" His tongue flicked out, tasting pink. 

Sirius drew a sharp breath. "Doesn't seem fair," he mumbled. "Me getting off all the time." 

"Mmmm," Remus rubbed his lips against the tiny nub. "Let me worry about 'fair'." 

Sirius's head fell back on the pillow as Remus kissed his way down his torso. Squirming farther down the bed, he rested his chin on Sirius's thigh. It was exciting to be able to view Sirius's cock from so close, and to know that he could touch it if he wanted to. He did so, running his knuckles lightly up the underside, then taking the shaft between thumb and forefinger and slowly rolling Sirius's foreskin up and down. A soft hum of pleasure came from the direction of the pillows. 

The skin was velvet-soft, with a loose stretchiness to it. It was unlike any other place on Sirius's body, nor anything else in nature that Remus could think of. Remus was captivated. He traced the path of a vein, then ran his thumb over the smooth head. It felt so strange to the touch, almost like a living thing in its own right as much as a part of Sirius's body. As always, Remus banished the thought of what his own might look and feel like, if he had one. Such thoughts never led anywhere good, and Remus was not about to let them intrude on his private time with Sirius. Instead, he let his fingers drift down to caress Sirius's balls. Another thought was forming in his mind, related to one he had had a moment before. 

Pushing himself up on an elbow, Remus wrapped a hand around the shaft of Sirius's cock, stroking slowly but firmly. It was not large, and Remus liked the way it seemed to fit perfectly in his palm. He leaned in to lap delicately at the head with the point of his tongue. Sirius's eyes flew open, and he gave a muffled scream. For a moment, the two boys stared at one another, wide-eyed. Then Sirius's eyelids fluttered shut. 

"Oh, _fuck_ ," he said distinctly. 

The shaft pulsed in Remus's hand as Sirius climaxed, hot spunk jetting onto Remus's lips and chin, and dripping down over his fingers. 

"Sorry," panted Sirius. "I should've warned you I was close." 

Remus was breathing rather heavily himself. Experimentally, he licked his lips, savouring the strange, musky flavour. "I guess you liked that," he said, smiling and wiping his chin on the back of his hand. 

In answer, Sirius reached down to take him by the wrist and draw him back up the bed. Eyes locked with Remus's, he brought the come-smeared fingers to his lips, and one by one, sucked them clean, tongue running over and tugging at the pad of each finger in turn. Remus's eyes went wide as a bolt of heat shot through him, from Sirius's mouth directly to his groin. A throbbing ache took up residence between his thighs and remained there as Sirius threaded his fingers through Remus's hair, pulling him close for a long and messy kiss. 

When he went into the bathroom to dress again before James and Peter came back, Remus's pants were so wet that he had to change them. It was not the first time he had noticed dampness after being with or thinking about Sirius, but the intensity of the feelings that caused it was becoming harder to ignore. 

Sometimes Remus had wild, terrifying thoughts about what it might feel like if Sirius touched him there, between his legs. He knew Sirius wanted to touch him, to please him as he pleased Sirius. Sometimes Remus wanted it, too. Thus far, Sirius had expressed no disgust or dismay over Remus's body -- indeed, nothing short of delight -- but Remus worried that if too much of the focus of their trysts was placed on his body, he would not be able to relax and enjoy their time together. Even if he had wanted Sirius to do things for him, Remus had no idea what he would want him to do, and he knew Sirius had no experience with bodies resembling his. 

Even so, Remus could not help thinking about it, and for the rest of the day, whenever his eyes connected with Sirius's, he heard again the promise his boyfriend had made, and the determination in his voice when he made it: "Next time, I'll find something to do for you." 

* * *

Remus spent the first half of Tuesday feeling more nervous than he had since he and Sirius had begun their explorations. He briefly considered begging off sick in order to avoid what might very well be only an exercise in frustration and disappointment. He knew that would be cowardly of him, though. The Gryffindorish thing to do would be to tell Sirius he did not feel ready to try anything new today, and that he should save his plans, whatever they were, for another time. Or possibly never. 

After class, James left for Quidditch practice and Peter departed for the library with a cheerful wave. As soon as the dormitory door closed behind them, Sirius began unfastening his robes. When he saw the look on Remus's face, he stopped. 

"Are you all right?" 

Remus shook his head, eyes downcast, arms crossed protectively in front of him. "Whatever you're planning, I-I can't." 

Sirius stepped closer and put a hand on Remus's shoulder. "Will you at least let me tell you what I had in mind before you say no?" 

Biting his lip, Remus nodded. 

Sirius kissed his forehead. "First, I was going to ask you to undress as far as you're willing. Then I'd have you lie down on your front on the bed. I wouldn't touch you anywhere that was still covered without asking. But I would touch you everywhere else. If you didn't like it, you could tell me to stop. I would never ask you to do anything you're not comfortable with, Remus," he finished softly. "I hope you know that." 

Remus looked up into Sirius's eyes. He did know that. The problem was not trusting Sirius; it was trusting himself. But nothing Sirius had described sounded particularly scary. 

"All right." 

Smiling, Sirius bent his head to kiss Remus softly on the mouth, then stepped away. "D'you want me to turn my back while you undress?" 

"No, it's OK." 

Even so, Sirius did not watch him. He shed his clothing much more quickly than Remus did, and by the time Remus began unbuttoning his shirt, Sirius sat naked on the bed, knees drawn up to his chin, staring with evident fascination at his own toes. Heart thudding heavily against his ribs, Remus worked loose the last few buttons and shrugged off the shirt. He hesitated a moment over his vest before discarding it as well. Nervous goose-prickles broke out all over his skin as he crawled up onto the bed wearing only his pants and the binding that kept his chest flat. He lay on his front, chin propped on his folded hands, and waited. 

Warm fingers brushed his back, and he shivered. 

"Are you cold?" 

"A little." 

Footsteps padded across the room, and then warmth settled over Remus. Sirius's red and gold afghan. The one James's mother had made for him. It was so immediately comforting that Remus wondered whether she had charmed it for that. 

Sirius curled up beside him, kissing him again. "We can just do this for a while, if you like." 

Remus turned towards him under the blanket and put an arm around him, pulling him closer. In the midst of his attack of nerves, he had momentarily forgotten how good it always felt to be close to Sirius, how eager his mouth always was to be kissed. Warmth began to spread through Remus's body, driving away the chill. 

Sirius licked and nibbled at his lips. "I want to touch you," he murmured. "So much." 

The intensity behind the words sent a shiver down Remus's spine. "I want you to." 

"Turn over." 

This time, Remus settled onto his front and closed his eyes with a sigh of contentment as Sirius crawled down the bed and uncovered his feet. Cradling a foot in one hand, Sirius pressed his knuckles into the arch, rubbing deep into the muscle. When he did the same to the other foot a moment later, Remus moaned softly. It was not a sexual feeling, but it was very pleasant. Sirius's lips brushed the bottom of his foot, and Remus giggled with ticklishness. 

"Not exactly the reaction I was hoping for," Sirius teased. 

"Then you'll have to try harder, won't you?" 

Sirius's mouth pressed against Remus's ankle, and he began to kiss and nuzzle his way up Remus's legs, pushing the blanket out of the way as he went. When he reached the backs of his knees, Remus gasped. Sirius paused, flicking the tip of his tongue along the sensitive crease, and making Remus whimper. 

"D'you like that?" he whispered, blowing on the damp skin. 

" _Yes._ " 

Sirius chuckled and spent several minutes applying his mouth and fingers to the task of turning Remus into a quivering mess, before progressing slowly up the backs of his thighs. There, he gently applied his teeth and fingernails as Remus gasped and fisted his hands in the bedspread. The swollen, throbbing feeling was back between his legs with a vengeance. He tensed, squeezing his thighs together and moaning. 

"Remus?" Sirius murmured, sounding a little breathless. 

"Uh?" 

"Can I touch your arse?" 

"I -- um --" Remus was having trouble thinking clearly. "D'you want to?" 

Sirius's soft laugh sent tendrils of heat curling across the skin of Remus's thighs. "Do I want to touch one of the finest arses I've ever seen? Yes, I do." 

"It's not --" 

"It is. Far nicer than James's, and you know how girls are always going on about his. Yours might even be the nicest arse in all of Hogwarts. Can I touch it? It's OK if you don't want me to. I'm happy just to look." 

Remus licked his lips. "Y-you can. If you want to." 

Straddling his knees, Sirius caressed the backs of Remus's thighs, then slowly moved his hands upwards. His touch was light at first, palms cupping the rounds of Remus's buttocks, thumbs smoothing the fabric of his pants against his skin. Sirius's hands were warm, and as he bent his head to kiss the bare skin of Remus's lower back, Remus felt Sirius's erection rub between his thighs. It felt exciting and forbidden. He moved his hips, pressing back against the touch as Sirius's fingers massaged him. 

" _Sirius_ \--" he moaned. 

Panting breaths puffed across the damp skin of Remus's back. Sirius's mouth was hot, his tongue teasing its way up Remus's spine. One hand remained on his arse as Sirius crawled up the bed to kiss his shoulders and neck, hurrying the last distance like a diver coming up for air. 

Remus rolled onto his side to meet Sirius's mouth, tasting the salt of his own sweat on Sirius's tongue as they kissed hungrily. He wrapped an arm around the other boy, pulling him close and turning towards him, loving the feel of Sirius's heat-flushed skin against his own. 

"Did you like that?" Sirius asked. 

"Yes." Remus kissed him again. "How did you think of doing that?" 

Sirius grinned. "Lying in my bed at night, thinking of you and touching myself everywhere to see what felt good." 

"Mmmm," he nuzzled at Sirius's throat. "That sounds like fun." 

"It was. I got so hard doing it, just like now --" he pressed his hips against Remus's thigh, "-- but I wasn't allowed to touch myself there." 

"Did you come, touching yourself like that?" Remus asked, tongue finding the sensitive place below Sirius's ear. 

"Yes." 

"Wish I could've seen that." 

"Play your cards right, and maybe you will." 

Remus covered Sirius's mouth with his own, licking deeply into him as his hand slid down Sirius's back to squeeze his arse, pulling the other boy tightly to him. Sirius rubbed against him again, moaning into Remus's mouth. The sweet ache between Remus's legs was almost unbearable. Was this how Sirius felt when Remus touched him? Experimentally, he pressed his hips to Sirius's thigh, grinding against him. The hot, swollen feeling intensified, sending shivers of pleasure through his belly and groin. 

"Remus --" Sirius panted in his ear. 

The hand on Remus's arse tightened as Sirius's other arm slid around his shoulders, pulling Remus down. Sirius lay back against the pillows, eyes dark, lips parted, chest heaving, spread out with Remus lying half on top of him. Remus moved to taste his mouth, and his groin nudged Sirius's erection. Sirius groaned, arching up into him, and Remus swallowed a gasp as the head of his boyfriend's cock rubbed against the aching place between his legs. He ground down, seeking more of that sweet feeling. 

Sirius's hands scrabbled at Remus's sweaty back. One hand slid into the waistband of his pants to grip his arse as the two boys clung together, grinding desperately into one another. Remus's breath came in gasps at Sirius's throat. The thin fabric of his pants was soaking wet, and it felt almost as if Sirius's hard cock was rubbing directly against him. 

Remus gave a sharp cry and clutched at Sirius, tensing as a wave of white-hot pleasure shuddered through him. 

"Oh, _Merlin_ ," gasped Sirius, arms tightening around him as his hips jerked and stuttered under Remus's. 

There was a moment of stillness. Remus lay in Sirius's arms, pulse pounding in his ears and between his legs, mouth pressed to Sirius's shoulder, afraid to move. Then Sirius gave a contented sigh. One hand rose to stroke Remus's hair. 

Remus pulled away, grabbing for the blanket and wrapping it around himself, looking anywhere but at Sirius. "I -- uh --" 

Sirius sat up. "What's wrong?" 

Cheeks burning, Remus shook his head. 

"You didn't enjoy it?" Sirius looked disappointed. "It seemed like you did." 

"I-I don't know," stammered Remus. "I haven't -- that's never --" 

Sirius stared at him. "You've never come before?" 

Remus bit his lip, shaking his head. 

"Don't you wank?" Sirius sounded bewildered. "I thought everyone did that." 

"It -- feels wrong," Remus tried to explain, a helpless gesture encompassing his complicated relationship with his body. 

Sirius took Remus's flailing hand in his. "Did it feel wrong this time?" 

"I don't know," said Remus, flushing darker. "It felt -- strange." 

"I'm sorry," said Sirius. "I didn't mean to push you into doing something you weren't ready for." 

Remus raised his eyes to the troubled look on Sirius's face. "Did you like it?" 

"I loved it." Sirius's eyes went soft. "I'm just worried that I've cocked everything up and upset my boyfriend by having sex with him before he was ready." 

Remus's eyebrows shot up. "That didn't count. Did it?" 

Sirius looked down at their hands, lacing his fingers through Remus's. "It felt like it did." He raised Remus's fingers to his lips and kissed them. "We were together." 

Remus swallowed a sudden tightness in his throat and squeezed Sirius's hand. "I'm not upset. I was just -- surprised." 

"I hope it wasn't a bad surprise, then." 

"No. Not bad." Overwhelming, confusing, terrifying, impossible to process. But not _bad_. 

Sirius leaned in to kiss Remus softly on the mouth. "It's all right if you don't want to count it, Remus. It's all right if you don't want to do it again. We can go back to just kissing, if that's better for you. Whatever you decide is fine. But I'm glad you were my first." 


	9. Chapter 9

For the next two weeks, Remus's private time with Sirius mainly involved talking and kissing with their clothes on, although Remus's wandering hands sometimes meant that Sirius did not end up as clothed as he began. Once, Remus's mouth found its way to Sirius's cock, even though they knew James and Peter were only downstairs in the common room, and might reappear at any moment. On some nights, sleepy, meandering conversations continued into the darkness, and they fell into oblivion curled around one another in Sirius's bed. On other nights, in the privacy of his own bed, under the protection of a Silencing charm, Remus experimented with touching himself. 

It still felt strange and wrong to him, but he was beginning to feel that having parts designed for pleasure and not using them, only because they were not the parts he wanted, was a level of self-denial he had no wish to engage in. It would have meant cheating himself out of one of life's joys, and was his life not already difficult enough? Surely Remus had as much right to sexual fulfillment as anyone else, but he wanted to make sure he knew how to bring himself off before letting anything happen with Sirius again, so he touched himself and concentrated on the feelings, trying not to think too much about the parts. 

His heart was beating fast and his palms were sweating on the night he finally slipped between Sirius's bed-curtains. He had not planned it, but lying in the darkness with his fingers between his legs, thinking about Sirius, feeling the heat rising inside him, when Sirius was just across the room, willing and eager to be touched, was more than Remus could bear. Sirius was warm and half asleep when he greeted Remus with a drowsy, open-mouthed kiss, but he began to wake up as Remus tugged at his teeshirt. By the time his pants slid over his hips, he was hard. 

"This is a nice dream," he sighed into Remus's ear. 

"Want me to make it nicer?" 

"Mmmm. Yes, please." 

Groping for the wand on Sirius's nightstand, Remus cast a quick Silencing charm on the drapes. His lips grazed Sirius's throat, and a hand stole down to cup his boyfriend's balls before wrapping around his cock. Remus stroked him slowly until Sirius began to sigh and moan and push against his hand. 

"Is that good?" he whispered. 

"Yes." 

"Are you going to come for me?" 

"Yes." 

"D'you want me to come for you?" 

He heard the breath catch in Sirius's throat. "Oh, _Merlin_ , Remus. _Please_." 

Thankful for the darkness that kept Sirius from watching him too closely, Remus slipped his free hand into his pants. It was more awkward than he had anticipated. As the intensity of the sensation began to build, Remus lost the rhythm of his hand on Sirius's cock. But then Sirius's hand was there, closing around Remus's, guiding his motions, leaving him free to find the pace he needed. His mouth sought Sirius's, and they breathed inarticulate sounds of passion into one another's lips as their hands moved, squeezing and gliding and rubbing. 

When Remus came, Sirius's name spilling brokenly from his tongue, Sirius was only seconds behind him, clinging to him as they quaked with uncontrollable pleasure. Remus did not want it to stop, and kept up the motion of his fingers as the sensation peaked again and again, like electricity surging through his body. It was almost half a minute before he shivered into limpness in Sirius's arms with a sigh, drained and blissful. 

"Slytherin's arse," Sirius panted. 

It took Remus a moment to remember how to form words. "Th-that was intense." 

"I'll say it was." Sirius lifted his head from Remus's sweat-damp shoulder. "I thought you would never stop coming." 

"Sorry," Remus blushed. 

"Sorry?" he kissed Remus's forehead. "Why would you be sorry? That was amazing. I've never seen anyone come like that. How did you manage it?" 

"I don't know," said Remus, disconcerted. "I just did." 

Sirius shook his head, kissing him again. "You're incredible, Remus. Have I told you that? You are." 

That was not the last time, either. Remus was not prepared to let Sirius touch him so intimately yet, but from then on, hardly a private interlude passed which left either of them less than fully sated. That was how Remus learned, following his next Potions treatment, that orgasm eased his cramps considerably. 

"I'm not really in the mood," he had told Sirius at the start. "Can we just kiss?" 

But after kissing for a while, he found that he was in the mood after all, and discovered that powerful relief was right at his fingertips. 

"Merlin, I wish I'd known about that _years_ ago," he mumbled into Sirius's neck. 

"Mmmm," sighed Sirius, kissing his ear. "D'you want to go again?" 

His parents were surprised when Remus opted not to come home for the Christmas holidays after all, but Remus did not feel ready yet to explain matters to them. Their roommates understood, however, and cleared out with no more than a merry exhortation from Peter to "have fun", and a warning from James about the dire consequences of shagging on his bed. 

It was a glorious holiday. They spent most of it in bed, only leaving the room when they got hungry, and once when Remus noticed it was snowing, and Sirius began behaving like an over-excited puppy. They held hands as they strolled around the edge of the lake. There were few people left at the school to see them, and they were far enough from the castle that it was unlikely anyone would notice. Fingers laced through Sirius's, Remus realised that he was happier now than he had ever been before. He smiled, turning towards Sirius -- lovely, pink-cheeked Sirius, with snowflakes caught in his hair -- and kissing him on the nose. 

"What was that for?" asked Sirius, surprised. 

Remus shrugged, still smiling. "For you." 

On Christmas morning, Remus awoke to his boyfriend bouncing on the bed and shouting, "Prezzies!" 

Remus sat up, rubbing his eyes, as Sirius played Father Christmas, doling out the brightly-wrapped parcels. There were gifts from their roommates, and from James's parents, and Remus's. While Sirius unwrapped his gifts from Remus -- two albums of the kind of loud Muggle rock music he liked best -- Remus opened the package his parents had sent. It was a book, with a card tucked inside the front cover. 

> _Dear Remus,_
> 
> _We think we may have found a Muggle doctor for you. This is his book. We have spoken with him, and he seems knowledgeable. He told us he can set up an appointment to meet with you over the summer to discuss things, and that if you decide you want to move forwards with Muggle medical options, you can do so as soon as you turn 18, which is the Mugglish age of majority._
> 
> _We have bought our own copy of the book as well, and will read every word, so that we can understand what is happening as best we can._
> 
> _We hope you will come home for Easter. It will be a quiet Christmas without you. We miss you and love you so much, Son. Happy Christmas!_
> 
> _Love,_   
>  _Mum & Dad_

Remus's eyes blurred and he blinked back tears. It was really going to happen. His parents were going to help him find another way. 

"Everything all right?" asked Sirius, noticing the look on his face. 

Wordlessly, Remus handed him the card. 

"That's brilliant," said Sirius, when he had read it. "Your parents are ace." 

He peered over Remus's shoulder as he paged through the book. It was full of dense paragraphs and dry, scientific-sounding terms, as well as a few black and white photographs and diagrams that Remus thought he might feel more comfortable looking at later, by himself. He closed the book quickly and set it aside. It was only then that he noticed Sirius was holding a small package wrapped in shiny blue paper. 

"Thanks for the music," he said, looking suddenly shy. "I made you something. It isn't much, but I hope you'll like it." 

Curious, Remus tore open the paper. Inside was a small silver flask. As he turned it over in his hands, he felt the slosh of liquid inside. 

"I made as much as I could," Sirius continued. "Some of the ingredients were hard to get, though." 

Remus's brows knit together in puzzlement. "Sirius, what --?" 

"It's Polyjuice Potion." 

Remus stared at him. "Polyjuice?" 

"You know, it's for --" 

"I know what it does, Sirius. You made this for me?" 

Sirius nodded. "Haven't you ever thought about it?" 

Remus looked down at the flask again. "You know I'm rubbish at Potions. I'd probably poison myself if I ever tried to make something this -- Sirius, this is really hard to make. And expensive." 

Sirius shrugged. "I thought you'd like it." 

"I do," said Remus, touched. "But Sirius, I can't -- It wouldn't be right for me to borrow someone's body without their permission." 

"You don't have to." 

He took the flask from Remus's unresisting hands and unscrewed the cap, then, as Remus watched, wide-eyed, he reached up and plucked a hair from his own head, dropping it into the potion. 

He offered it back to Remus with a crooked smile. "You have my permission. Go ahead and try it." 

His fingers felt numb as he accepted the flask back from Sirius's hand, dizzying possibilities dancing through his brain, exciting, terrifying. To know what it felt like to have a body like Sirius's, even for a moment -- 

"H-how long does it last?" he asked, clearing his throat. 

"A full dose lasts an hour. There's only two doses. I'm sorry I couldn't make more. You can save it for later, if you like. It keeps for a while." 

Could he? Could he go down to Christmas breakfast, and go through his day, knowing this was here, and not trying it? Remus shook his head. "I want to try it now, but --" 

"What?" 

Remus bit his lip. "Would you mind if I did it by myself, this time?" 

There was a brief flash of disappointment in Sirius's eyes, but then he smiled. "Of course not. I'll bring you back some breakfast, shall I?" 

He got dressed, giving Remus a swift kiss before departing. "See you in an hour." 

When he had gone, Remus got out of bed and undressed completely, then sat on the edge of the bed, contemplating the flask. Everything he had ever wanted was right here in his hands. With shaking fingers, he unscrewed the cap and brought the flask up to his lips. The potion had the strong and slightly metallic scent of treacle, with just a whiff of something that reminded Remus of wet dog. He tilted his head back and swallowed. 

A woozy, light-headed feeling came over him. He thought for a moment that he was going to be sick. Had Sirius made the potion wrong? But then his body began to move, to shift, to expand and alter in every direction at once. When the dizziness passed, Remus gazed down at a body he knew well, but it was not his own. 

Slowly, he raised a hand to his chest, running his palm over the firm flatness of it. One finger brushed a small, sensitive nipple, and he shivered. _This is what it feels like for Sirius when I touch him,_ he realised. A wave of feeling overwhelmed him, bringing tears to his eyes. Remus dashed them away impatiently. He only had a short time with the potion, and he was not going to waste it. 

He got up and went into the bathroom. Sirius's lovely grey eyes stared back at him from the mirror. His own self-conscious smile looked wrong on his boyfriend's face, but when his hands moved over the smooth skin, Remus stared in fascination. He could not quite reconcile the reflection in the mirror with the body he currently inhabited. All he could see was Sirius, touching himself. One hand drifted down his belly to cup between his legs. 

Remus had touched Sirius there many times by now, but usually, by the time he did, Sirius was erect, or very nearly so. He expected the penis to begin to harden at the first touch, but it did not. It remained in its resting state for some time as Remus explored the soft folds of skin, weighing the testicles in his palm. Remus could not stop touching, there or anywhere else. He wanted to know what it felt like for Sirius everywhere he was touched. 

Gradually, Remus began to become aroused, watching with delight and wonder as the cock in his hand swelled to fill his palm. In some ways, arousal felt the same. The heat and the swollen feeling were both familiar. But in other, less definable ways, it was different. His hand stroked the shaft, rolling the foreskin up and down, feeling the tingle of pleasure build. There was no way Remus would let his precious hour expire without learning what it felt like to climax in this body. 

Stepping into the shower, he turned on the hot water, letting it flow over every inch of his borrowed skin. His hands followed the downward stream of the water, touching everywhere for a moment before curling around the hardening cock once more. 

_This is my cock._ The thought sent a thrill of delight through him. _I'm touching my cock. This is what it feels like._ He gave himself a few clumsy strokes as his other hand sought more places to touch and caress. 

It was only when he took hold of himself and began wanking in earnest that he discovered the problem: he had no experience in the motion that the body he currently inhabited craved. Remus tried to copy the same swift action he had seen Sirius use, squeezing and tugging, but the muscles of his wrist began to tire and ache quickly. After a few minutes, he switched hands, but his left was even clumsier than his right. 

Remus leaned his forehead against the cool tiles, jaw clenched in determination. How many minutes were left? He tried everything he could think of. He imagined Sirius there, on his knees, using his mouth on him. That helped a little, but it still was not enough. A frustrated exclamation burst from his lips. 

There was a knock at the door. "Remus, is everything OK?" 

"No." 

"Can I come in?" 

Remus hesitated for a moment. If Sirius was back from breakfast already, that meant his time was almost up. He would need his boyfriend's guidance, if he was to have any hope of finishing in time. "Yeah, OK." 

The door opened and closed behind him, but Remus did not turn around. He leaned against the tiles, hand still moving feverishly, lip clenched between his teeth. 

"I can't do it. It's not working," he admitted, feeling like a failure. 

He heard Sirius's robes and the clank of his belt buckle hitting the floor, and then Sirius was behind him, all warm, smooth skin, with an arm around his chest and a hand covering his own. 

"I'll show you," Sirius murmured, kissing the back of Remus's neck. "It just takes a bit of practise, that's all." 

The hand wrapped around him delivered a series of swift, expert strokes, and soon the warm tingling sensation began building again. Remus relaxed into Sirius's arms, watching his hand move. 

_Sirius is touching my cock,_ he thought. _Sirius is wanking me off._

"I've been wanting to do this for such a long time," said Sirius, nuzzling his neck. "To touch you. To hold you like this. To make you come. I want you to like it when I touch you, Remus. D'you like this?" 

" _Yes_ ," moaned Remus between clenched teeth. 

"This is how I touch myself, when I think about you. Right here in the shower." 

The hand on his cock worked faster, and the pad of a thumb traced small, slow circles around one of his nipples. Remus gasped. His hips moved urgently, fucking Sirius's fist. It felt so good. So unbearably good. 

" _Sirius_ , oh -- _oh_!" 

The arm around his chest tightened, holding him as he shuddered and came. He felt his balls tighten, his cock pulse, as spunk shot through him to spatter against the tiles. His heart was pounding, his knees weak and trembling, his breath coming in ragged gasps. 

Sirius kissed the back of his neck. "Good?" 

Remus nodded. "Is-isn't this weird for you?" 

"A little," Sirius admitted. "But I know this body pretty well. I know what it likes." 

A strange, disorienting tremor passed through Remus's chest. "Sirius, I think -- I'm changing back. Could you please --?" 

"It's all right," Sirius assured him. He kissed him once more and let go, stepping away and drawing the shower curtain closed. "I'll get you a towel." 

Remus slid down the wall and turned his face up into the stream of hot water as his body shifted and shrank, holding on fiercely to the memory of what he had just experienced. 

They saved the second dose of Polyjuice Potion for New Year's Eve, and Remus rang in the new year with his cock in his boyfriend's mouth, moaning and cursing as Sirius sucked him off. When Sirius kissed him, wishing him "Happy New Year," he tasted his own spunk on Sirius's lips, and almost wept. Almost. He did not want Sirius to think that anything was wrong when, in that one moment, everything was perfect. 

Sirius had given him a rare gift, the value of which Remus could never begin to explain to him, and for which Remus would always be grateful, even if Polyjuice was not the solution to his problems. 


	10. Chapter 10

Remus knew Snape still watched him. For the most part, he ignored the Slytherin boy. He rarely went anywhere in the castle without Sirius, and usually James as well, and both of them kept a sharp eye out for trouble. Remus never asked it of them; he did not think he needed their protection, but he was glad not to have to be on his guard all the time. 

It had been so long since Snape had dared say a word to him that Remus did not even think to worry on the day in late February when Sirius was ill and had to miss Arithmancy. Neither James nor Peter took the class, so Remus went alone on Monday morning. His only thought was of stopping by the hospital wing after the lesson, to see if Madam Pomfrey had anything that might help clear up the congestion in Sirius's head and chest. When a turn of the corridor brought him face-to-face with Severus Snape, flanked by Rabastan Lestrange and Evan Rosier, Remus stopped short. 

Surprise quickly transformed into a nasty grin on Snape's face. "Where's your boyfriend, Lupin?" 

Remus tensed as sudden fear rose up in the back of his throat. "Fuck off, Snape." But the words did not sound as careless as Sirius or James would have said them. 

Lestrange and Rosier laughed. Snape's wand hand twitched in the folds of his robes. "Not up to much without the _boys_ around to protect you, are you, Lupin?" 

Remus would have ignored the jibe, and took a step towards the Arithmancy classroom, but going any farther meant turning his back on the Slytherins, and Remus was not prepared to do that. His hand inched towards his wand pocket. 

"I can defend myself just fine," he said, forcing as much bravery into his voice as possible. "What about you? You think you need backup to take me?" His eyes flicked back and forth nervously between the other two boys. Neither of them seemed in any hurry to draw their wands. 

"I'd have to be pretty hopeless if I couldn't handle a little bender like you on my own," sneered Snape. 

The reply was on the tip of his tongue before Remus knew where it came from, but as soon as he said it, he realised that it was exactly what Sirius would have said. "Why, Snivellus! I had no idea. If you wanted to 'handle' me, you should've said something." 

Snape gave him a disgusted look. "I wouldn't touch _you_ for all the Galleons in Gringotts. Queer. Pervert. Freak." He spat the words at Remus. 

Remus contemplated his tormentor in silence as the words fell flat at his feet. When it was just Snape and himself, or Remus's roommates, the Slytherin did not hesitate to lash out at Remus with feminine pronouns and misogynistic slurs. But now, with his own friends present, he resorted instead to insults concerning Remus's sexuality. Whatever restrictions Dumbledore had placed upon him, they appeared to have worked. Snape was not going to reveal Remus's secret. 

He might speculate openly about Remus's relationship with Sirius, but everyone at Hogwarts knew how the Slytherin felt about his Gryffindor classmates, and they might or might not believe him. Even if they did, Remus found he cared less than he had supposed he would. He was proud to be Sirius Black's boyfriend. Why should he care what a vindictive ass whose opinions did not matter thought about him? 

Remus's fear of the Slytherin boy suddenly evaporated. He squared his shoulders, raising his chin, as a fierce, bright feeling expanded inside his chest. Very deliberately, Remus drew his wand, eyes never leaving Snape's. 

"You want to see if you can take this 'freak' in a fair fight?" 

The Slytherin brought his wand up, suddenly wary. 

"Rosier?" Remus inquired. "Lestrange?" 

"I don't involve myself in squabbles between half-bloods," said Lestrange with a disdainful shrug. "Do as you like. But hurry it up, yeah? We're going to be late for class." 

Remus's eyes fixed on Snape's wand. The Slytherin was quick and knew more hexes than Sirius and James put together, but Snape considered Remus a reluctant dueler and a weakling, which might make him overconfident. Either way, it was better to wait for Snape to make the first move. 

The Slytherin's grip on his wand tightened a split second before the hex left his lips. Remus lashed out, shouting, " _Protego!_ " and without pausing for breath, " _Levicorpus!_ " 

Snape's legs jerked out from under him as his curse rebounded harmlessly off Remus's Shield charm, and he was yanked roughly, feet first, into the air. His robes fell about his face, blinding him, and his next hex went wide. Remus Disarmed him easily. Snape yowled and cursed, flailing against the folds of fabric, hanging from nothing, as the other two Slytherins shouted with laughter. 

Rosier and Lestrange turned away, impatient to get to class, and left Remus eyeing the boy hanging in the air above him with distaste, as Snape continued to rain invective down upon him. 

"Shut up," snapped Remus, raising his wand warningly. 

Snape's mouth snapped shut, as if hexed, and he glowered at Remus, black eyes burning with hatred. 

Remus stepped closer, until they were face-to-upside-down-face. "We're done, Severus," he said quietly. "I'm not afraid of you. Don't bother me anymore. And I don't want to hear about you giving any other queer students trouble, either. From now on, they are under my protection." 

He turned on his heel and walked away, head held high, ignoring the Slytherin's yells of rage. Someone would be along eventually to let him down. 

* * *

On the morning of his seventeenth birthday, Remus's roommates barely let him sleep past dawn. The small package they pushed into his hands contained a silver filigree pocket watch with his initials and the date inscribed on the back. Remus blinked back tears. It was the coming-of-age gift traditionally given to young wizards on the day when they were officially recognised as men. The gift was more properly given by fathers to sons, but Remus knew his own parents could not afford anything so fine as this. 

"Thank you," he said, swallowing a lump in his throat. "It's beautiful." 

"Wear it in good health, friend," said James solemnly, then broke into a grin. 

There was another, larger gift, as well. "It's from my Uncle Constantine," said Peter, ears turning pink. "He wouldn't say what it was." 

Remus's eyebrows lifted. He tore off the paper and opened the lid, gazing into the box in puzzlement as he tried to make sense of the straps, buckles, and shapes. Then his mouth dropped open and he clapped the lid back on, face flushing red. There was no mistaking _that_ shape after all the time he had spent handling Sirius's. 

"What is it?" asked his boyfriend. 

Remus shook his head, speechless, and tried to shove the box under his pillow, but Sirius snatched it away from him gleefully. Remus did not try too hard to take it back; Sirius would find out about it before long, in any case. 

"You don't want to know," he informed his other curious roommates. 

Sirius frowned as he peered into the box, then his eyes widened. He plucked out a small sheet of parchment with some directions and a charm written on it. A grin spread across his face as his eyes scanned swiftly over the words. 

"Brilliant!" he crowed, giving Remus a wink. "Well done, Pete's uncle!" 

Remus cleared his throat as more heat flooded his cheeks. "Maybe we should go down to breakfast?" 

"Yes, indeed," James slapped Remus on the shoulder, dismissing the mysterious gift. "Mustn't be late for your lessons, Mr Lupin. The way I hear it, men have _responsibilities_." 

The intriguing gift from Peter's uncle was only half of what distracted Remus from his lessons that day. There was another tradition among the boys of Hogwarts by which they celebrated the advent of their manhood. Remus was not sure how he would react if his friends tried to carry it out. If they suggested it, he would just have to tell them _no_. 

But as evening wore on into night, no one mentioned it. Remus's roommates cleaned their teeth, put on their pyjamas, and got into bed, with no more than a "good night" shared between them. 

Disappointment ate at Remus as he lay in the darkness. Did the ignored tradition mean that his friends did not consider him a real boy after all? _They could've at least said something,_ he thought, listening to James's snores and feeling let down. 

His bed-curtains rustled and parted. "C'mon, Birthday Boy," whispered Sirius, grinning. He grabbed Remus's hand, pulling him out of bed. 

"Where are we going?" he asked, but his heart leapt because he already knew. 

Last month, when Peter had turned seventeen, the four of them had sneaked out of the castle after curfew, and gone down to the lake. There, they had, with much giggling, ceremonially stripped Peter, and thrown him off the dock, into the dark, chilly water. Peter had shrieked and laughed and splashed, and finally paddled his way back to shore, shivering. James had presented him with a towel, intoning, "Now you are a man, my son." Swimming in the lake at night was against school rules, but the staff considered the birthday swim a harmless tradition, and turned a blind eye to the practice. 

Silently, Sirius retrieved the Invisibility Cloak from James's trunk and threw it over both of them. Then he took Remus's hand and they were away, running down the steps and out of Gryffindor tower. 

It was a cold, clear night. The grass whispered under Remus's bare feet and a bright silver moon lit their way as they dashed across the grounds and down towards the lake. At the short wooden pier that extended out over the water, they cast off the Cloak. 

Remus hesitated. "Sirius --" 

"I knew you wouldn't be comfortable undressing in front of the others," said his boyfriend, taking his hands, "so I told them to skip it. I thought maybe if it was just me ...." The hopeful note in his voice trailed off. 

Remus looked away, shoulders tensed. "You wouldn't like it. Seeing me. I look all wrong. If you saw, you might not be able to forget about it when we're -- together. You might not want me anymore." 

A hand rose to touch Remus's cheek, turning his face back. "I saw you once. I know what you look like, Remus. It doesn't bother me." 

"That was only for a second, and it was before. You weren't thinking about -- things yet." 

"I'd been thinking about things for a while before that, Remus. I just never thought you'd be interested." 

Remus stared at him. "You were?" 

Sirius nodded, grey eyes dark in the moonlight. "You're not disgusting, Remus; you're just different. There hasn't been a moment since we started that I've regretted, or that I've wished you weren't exactly who you are. Trust me." 

His lips were warm on Remus's, but still he shivered. He did trust Sirius, but that did not mean he was not afraid. 

Taking a deep breath, he stepped away. If he was a man now, he should act like one, Remus decided; not let himself be ruled by fear. He could not meet Sirius's eyes, but he did not ask him to look away, either, as he slowly removed his robes and raised his hands to the buttons of his pyjamas. He did not need to ask; Sirius did not watch him, but turned aside and began to shed his own clothing. Remus dropped his pyjama shirt on top of his robes before pulling loose the drawstring of his trousers and letting them puddle around his feet. His fingers shook as he removed the binding from around his chest. His pants went last of all. 

The cold air and moonlight felt strange on his skin. Remus had never felt so exposed. He hugged himself, barely noticing the chill in the air. 

Sirius turned towards him, bathed in silver light, and held out a hand. "C'mon," he said softly. 

Feeling as if he were in a dream, Remus's hand drifted up to touch Sirius's. Then they were running, rough boards under their feet, hands clasped together, to the end of the pier and out, flying into the night air. The shock of the icy water startled a shriek from them. 

"Last one to the big rock is a Slytherin!" called Sirius, and he was off, splashing mightily. 

Remus struck out after him, laughing. Neither of them were particularly strong swimmers. Remus had learned when he was young, but had not swum since his chest started to develop. Sirius had never learned -- the Black family had views about proper activities for well-bred young wizards -- but could perform a surprisingly fast dog-paddle. The water felt good rushing over Remus's skin, numbing him, and his arms and legs felt strong as they pulled him along. He reached the rock a few lengths ahead of Sirius, and clung to it, gasping. 

"Looks like the Sorting Hat was wrong after all," he teased. 

Sirius grinned. "Would you still want to be with me if I was in Slytherin?" 

Remus kissed him. "I'd want to be with you, even if you and Snape were conjoined twins." 

" _Eugh_ ," shuddered Sirius. "Thank the Founders we're not! But if I still had you, I could probably find a way to live with it." 

His arm circled Remus's waist, drawing him close for a more thorough kiss. Their mouths were the warmest part of them. Remus could feel every inch of cool skin touching down the lengths of their bodies. It felt good. He loved being this close to Sirius. 

They stumbled back out of the water, laughing and shivering and holding hands. Remus had forgotten his wand, but Sirius's was in the pocket of his discarded robes. He performed quick Warming and Drying charms on both of them. When Remus bent to pick up his clothes, Sirius called him back, slipping his arms around him, pulling him close. For long moments, they simply held one another. 

"There's nothing wrong with being different, Remus," Sirius murmured into his hair. 

Remus pressed his mouth to Sirius's shoulder. "I don't want to be different." 

"I know." Sirius's arms tightened around him. "We can keep looking. If there's an answer, we'll find it. But Remus, even if we don't -- if we never do, and this is the way things always are, there's one thing I want you to remember." He drew back, tilting Remus's face up to meet his eyes. " _You_ are the man I fell for." 

Sirius's kiss was soft on his lips. Remus could not speak. His throat had gone painfully tight, and he worried that the moonlight would betray the sudden moisture clinging to his lashes. He wished he could tell Sirius everything he felt for him, but there was too much, and it was too huge to put into words. 

Remus cleared his throat. "L-let's go to bed." 

A wicked grin spread across Sirius's face. "And try out the gift from Pete's uncle?" 

"Maybe." An answering smile tugged at the corner of Remus's mouth. 

He would find a way to tell Sirius how he felt about him later. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you enjoyed this story, check out the short sequel, [_TransLate_](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2414027).


End file.
